I'm home.... but I don't feel at home anymore

I just arrived this morning. I knew it, I would feel very strange the minute I stepped foot in our house. This just don't feel like home anymore. Sure, it's still my place... This is where I spent most of my life and all that, but I'm starting to get that same feeling again similar to what I experienced when I was still new in Laguna. I was hyperventilating and I just feel like i want to explode! Why do I get to feel this way? I really don't think this is a normal reaction.

I wanna cry and I don't really understand why. Will I feel like this again when I go back to Manila? I was not like this before. What the heck is going on?!!

Negative

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby... Dunno why it's so hard for us to have one when others get pregnant all the time. Why?!!

I've never been this disappointed about it before. The other day, I checked, hoping beyond hope that this time we finally conceived... but it was still negative. I just sat there, staring at the PT with disbelief... another disappointment. I wanted to cry, wanted to get angry, felt like I was imploding. But, I have to accept it. Maybe it's really not the right time. God has reasons that I still can not understand but I know, there is a reason for this.

I'm only human though. As much as I understand that everything happens as God planned it, but I still feel negative emotions when things don't go as I wished it would. Well, I guess we just have to keep trying and get ourselves checked to see what's wrong. Hope nothing's wrong... I can't accept it if we can't have a baby someday :( Pray for us.

It's called faith..

Sometimes it's hard to see where life is taking you. One moment you think everything's going in this direction and within a blink of an eye, everything changed. It can be frustrating but it is now that I know God is testing me with my faith. If I knew where He is leading me, then it's not called faith 'coz you already know what is in store for you. Right now, I just hang on to my faith, 'coz I know I just followed the path that God paved for me. At first I thought I knew where those paths were taking me but right now I'm still left in the dark. But, I am confident and happy 'coz I know God is carrying me. I don't know where He's taking me but I know He won't throw me out in the pit. He's going to lead us to the right direction and He will carry us there just like in the story of footprints in the sand.... I can feel that now... When sometimes I feel God has left me but deep down in my heart I know He never will. Now that I don't see his footprints I know He is carrying me.

God is good. He will always be.

Life has hurdles... You can't run as smoothly as you wish

Just when things started to feel "ok" at the office then all of a sudden this man started to say harsh words to me over the phone over something that is really not my own doing. Yes, I wrote the report but it wasn't my decision to write that. Oh well, it bothered me so much and it feels like water had been splashed over the fire that burns in me to work really hard. Good thing though, my boss is really nice. But, the fire is already gone and I'm no longer happy.

What to do? Am I acting spoiled that over something small I already want to give up on this job? I don't know... I guess I just want a perfect world... a world with not too many bad people around. I can't believe how mean people could be here... I just remember how my friend "J" would feel when she was still working in AMN. Now I feel what she felt then although in my case, my enemy is staying in a far away plant... Still, that incident bothers me up to this day and it angers me. I wish I could have fought with him and not act educated so he could taste what it feels like to fight with Lila. But... I know that would be unwise. Oh well, right now I'm just hanging in there so to speak. Just waiting for the day that I could finally resign...

What will I do next when that day comes? I don't know. :( I don't want to look for a job again... I'll hopefully have enough cash to start a biz... that would be the better life for me, I guess. I don't really know anymore. I just don't feel like I'm really up to being an employee. It's such a bummer!

If there's anything that I am most grateful for it's this...

Life is hard no matter what but I am thankful for the fast-paced life I have now. Now I'm always busy and although that's not always a good thing but it turns out to be a great pill for my life-long battle of confusion and peaceless mind. I'm always worried about certain things and I get easily depressed but so far I haven't felt the same depression that I used to have, at least not on the same level as before.

For that I am really glad and I feel so blessed now. Whenever I feel nervous about projects, I just leave it as is and it's not as bad as I have imagined it. Projects kept coming and now I no longer have to worry about finances. Slowly we are gaining back what we have spent and it's such a good feeling to go positive once again. The more I recall the past experiences, the more I realize that God was pulling me away from what could have been bad decisions in my life. God is a good God indeed and although sometimes it feels like His help or redemption comes a bit too late but I know there is a good reason for everything. I'm such a believer of God before especially when 1 night I had a question about my belief in Him and He came to me in a dream and I was trembling in fear. He was mad at me for not trusting Him and I felt His power- was trembling not because I was afraid but because I was stunned that He answered me to keep me from being confused with my faith. That should have been enough to keep me believing in Him forever but things happened and I doubted Him to the point that I really hated Him. I kept asking why He would let all these things happen to me when I did nothing wrong and never intently hurt another. I've been a good child of God but why did He allow me to suffer that way? I wondered and got really angry at Him but thankfully, with good people around me telling me to continue my faith in Him, that I found my way back to Him again... it wasn't easy but everything fell into place and there's no other possible way I could explain it.

I guess it's time for me to just continue receiving the bounty that God has in store for me. I feel so blessed and I am very thankful for it. If there's anything that I truly wish for now, it's to have a baby ;) but... I guess God won't give it to me yet because it's still not the right time. I'm sure the baby will just come when God thinks it's the right time for us to move another step, a new phase in our lives, and that is to be parents... Hope I could be as loving and strict as our Father and hope I could really teach the Word of God to all my future children.