Sunday, May 17, 2009

It's not my fault

This is something that I need to internalize and absorb. I feel so stressed out about our situation and I always, always, want to make sure everything will go according to plan. It's not that I feel guilty, but I feel so horrible about the painful ordeal last February. I often end up feeling as if I was the one who caused all of this and that I'm the one who needs to prove myself to people. But, as what they always tell me, this is not my fault.

I am the victim here and I'm not the one who should exert this much effort to get things done. I'm not the one and I need to relax a little bit. But how can I?!!

Going beyond my capacity

I try to put some sense into things but my mind just couldn't figure it out. I am trying to breathe, get some relaxation, unwind, and just forget it all but no matter how I try I just end up failing and going back to my depressive state. I try to look beyond and imagine what the future holds but I am so afraid because I can't see any satisfaction or happiness waiting for me. I can't help but feel scared that this pain, this undying pain inside me, will linger on for all eternity.

Is there hope? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Can I still truly smile again?

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Thought Of You...

Everyday I can't stop thinking about our dog Kingkong. I loved him so much and we spoilt him a lot. Until now I still can't believe he is indeed gone. I had dogs in the past but I usually cry once and get on with my life, don't know why now it's a different story. I cry every night. Not just some tears flowing but, I really cry. When I look at his photos, it feels like I'm stabbing myself over and over again. It hurts so much! Maybe it's because we considered him as our baby and not just a dog. He was my companion and he stays with me all the time. Where I go, he goes... When I sleep, he sleeps just under the bed next to me and I can always hear his snore. Now, none.

Last night I carried Frosty in my arms... I know someday she, too, will leave me. I took a closer look at her, saving the image of her in my memory. I hugged her and enjoyed her doggy scent. I love Frosty too and when it was Frosty who once fought for her life, I cried so hard and couldn't stop worrying about her. But, she fought for her life and she's still with me now. I treat her as my baby too and when it's her time to leave me, I know it will stab my heart again... I am just trying to be ready for that day, by feeling her and making sure I truly experienced being with my doggy.

I guess, same thing should be done to people too. You really don't know when they will leave you for good. Whether they'd die or they'd just leave you and you'll never see them again. You'll never have your moment with that person and you'll only regret it. I would want to have my own little moments with the people who are really special to me. I want to store that memory in my mind... the more special the memory, the better. I want to recall that memory over and over again whenever I miss the person because I know, it's only I who shared that memory with that person. At that moment it's just me and that person and we're the only ones sharing that moment... and it's a memory worth cherishing forever.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Good or BAD

I keep telling myself and other people that I'm really not a bad person. That I am really a good person. But, being good or bad is really just a tag. You can call yourself a good person because you think you are naturally good but fact is, we are all naturally good and naturally BAD or EVIL at the same time. It just depends on which side you choose at that particular moment in your life.

Do you want to be tagged as a good person or do you want to be tagged as bad?

Maybe I am generally a good person but as of the moment, I choose to be tagged as BAD because I refuse to follow what my conscience dictates. Will I choose the good tag again? Of course! But not at the moment.

Having an Enemy

It's really easy to love a person but I never thought it's really hard to hate another person. Hate is such a strong emotion that it consumes you. I never really had an enemy in my life but now. It's a weird feeling really. I hate that person(s) so much but deep inside me I feel it's wrong. Like, I know that person also has feelings and I feel bad that I have this hatred against that person(s). I feel... guilty. Weird, huh?

I am just not used to this feeling. I sometimes imagine that person(s) crying, in pain 'coz of what had transpired. I feel happy imagining that but at the same time it makes me sad. I don't want to cause another person pain... I really don't... but they caused me tremendous amount of pain that I just can't let them feel victorious over me again.

It's an emotional struggle for me to hate another human being. But, they put this on to themselves. They caused this and not me. I am just being true to myself. I was hurt, humiliated and broken. I just don't want them to be a part of my life again and that means they do not deserve my forgiveness and forgiveness I will not give them.

Unless, they say sorry to me. Which, I know will never ever happen. But, if they would, I'd forgive them in a heartbeat.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I dream of being a princess on my own fairy tale...

I used to believe in fairy tales... They always face hardships and in the end they have their happy ending and everybody's happy except for the villains, of course.

I no longer believe in fairy tales. I realized they just live in books and movies but not in real life. I am stuck with the hardship part but, there is no happy ending waiting for me.