A letter for my daughter Danica Rheynne Yu

Oh such wonder you are to me...

‘Twas almost midnight when I successfully tucked Nica to sleep tonight. She was able to sleep in the afternoon so it became torturous for me to try and let her sleep. If only you know ‘nak what your mom’s schedule is but I know you’re much too young to really comprehend why mommy became so busy already.

Mornings I wake up before you do so we could encourage you to wake up early. I know you hate waking up as I hate waking up too. Manang mana ka sa mom mo, nak, so I know how you feel. But even so, I push myself to wake up at 5:30 am. Do you know I sleep around 3am? But I don’t complain. I love waking up for you. Though I am not the one who do your morning routine with you, but I want to just be there, as much as possible I want to be alert and wide awake so we could cuddle, play around a little and pray together. I love receiving a hug from you and wishing you a good day as you bid me goodbye as you head for school. My body’s really tired so I try to sleep before 8 to wake up around 10:30. As you head to your other home to study and play some, mommy is already wide awake busy with work. You know I work for you, right? Sure you understand but maybe not as well because you continue to make green papered money for me ‘cos you want me to have money. I know what you’re saying is, you want me to have money already so I won’t be so busy and we’d be back to playing more. So though I have a lot of things I need to do and my body’s feeling a bit tired, when you arrive from your other home I make sure I spend an hour or two with you. I want to be with you, to make you feel you’re my number one because I love you.

At night my energy’s about to run out but you are at your most energetic. We play around, sometimes you ask me to toss you around like a crazy lil girl that you are. Do you know mommy’s heart is not so good? Sure you do, but maybe not as well because you continue to beg me to make rough play with you as I try to gasp for air every now and then. But it doesn’t matter, I want to love you and make you feel how much you mean to me. I just stop when I can’t take anymore and see that you are already satisfied with our “play” which actually feels like a UFC bout.

Then it’s time to go to bed. I bought you 3 storybooks and you want me to read all 3 of them plus online stories before you sleep. I am so tired, ready to cry, but I don’t because I want to read you stories. It’s therapy for me to hear you giggle, listen to how you interpret the stories and how you laugh when you change the story and make all side comments about how the characters are portrayed in the illustrations. I love your imagination, ‘nak. You have such a brilliant mind I can’t help but be proud of you. There are nights when you simply don’t want to sleep when I have a deadline I need to reach. You know mommy still need to work, right? Sure you do, but maybe not as well because you still say you don’t want to sleep and you want to cuddle some more. And I do. I love cuddling with you my dearest one. I love feeling your skin brushing against mine. I love your butterfly kisses, your giggles and many I love you’s. I love how you make all sorts of reasons just to distract me and give my full attention to you. I love you so much my lil girl. As tired as I am but I like spending time with you.

Now you’re asleep and I look at you and I sigh in great wonder. You are such a sweetheart. I can’t start working yet because I am just amazed by you. As tired as I am but you energize me. You gave me so much strength because you make my heart happy every time I see you. You are so wonderful. I never thought I am capable of loving another this way until you came into my life. Ours was not a love at first sight but a love that grew and it’s growing exponentially. I will never stop loving you.

Oh how blessed I am in this life of mine.

(Danica aged 4 years and 10 months as of this writing.)

Empty well

My heart is like a waterless well. You throw a piece of rock and wait for the sound of the rock splashing on the water below, but you don’t hear anything. You try to throw in more and more rocks but there’s not a sound. The well is dry and very deep and practically useless. It even poses a danger. You’d want to just cover it up to avoid wasting the space but covering the hole would cost so much time, energy and you don’t have enough soil. You’d choose to just leave it as is and surround it with signs so others would be warned. It is left abandoned. It stays there- empty, useless and dangerous… No one cares about it. No one wanted to figure out why there’s no water under there. No one wondered whether it once had limitless flow of clean water and how useful it once was. Surely something happened to that well. But no one cared to figure it out… they just went to dig another well that serves its purpose. So this empty well stays empty. No one cared... No one figured out why… No one really tried.

Words are mere words. It no longer has power

You open your mouth and the words started to pour out and slamming its way into our bruised hearts. But our hearts have been bruised for so long and oh so many times that your stabbing words no longer hurt. We couldn’t feel any more pain. Your words can no longer penetrate through the thick scabs surrounding our hearts.  We’ve become accustomed to your insults.  Your vile words are all the weapon you have. Without its power you cannot harm us.  You’ve used it on us for so long and it broke our souls.  But we know better and your words are worthless now. Your hatefulness can now only affect you. Instead of pushing to attack and be violent, I chose to step back and walk away. By doing so I prove one thing and that’s the only thing I need to prove. I am so much better than you. I pity you… so much. You trapped yourself in your own world of hate and you can’t even see it. I pity you… Why did you allow yourself not to find joy?

Love is easier said than proven

I realize it's so easy to say we love people but it's so hard to actually prove it. I myself am guilty of this. I say I love you to people who I don't exactly really love. It occurs to me that love is such a strong word and sometimes we use this word to mean we are comfortable with this person, we like hanging out with this person, we are having fun with this person and so on... But do we really love these people we claim to love?

I am one of the victims as well. When a friend tells me I am loved, I believe it with my heart. But sometimes too, that love is only expressed in words and I'm left with a lot of "clues" that tells me I'm not really loved. Sometimes these people who say they love me only makes me feel like a doormat. They only end up making me feel like I'm not as good as the other persons they also love but I just take it in, shove off the pains, and just continue on believing that I am loved. Well, baby, that old me is GONE.

If I want to make a big change in myself then I have to clean out my closet and throw away all the junk that's burdening me, including people. When I don't feel it's okay then I have to trust my instincts and tell myself over and over again that IT IS NOT OKAY.

There are a lot of people who are still there to make me feel special in their own ways and I can actually feel they love me. I too would need to make that change and avoid saying I love you to people who I only like hanging out with or something. By learning to value what love really means is crucial to create a great relationship with others. I don't want to be the girl who makes others assume that they are a lot more special to me than I can really make them feel because that is just not fair to them as it's not fair for me as well.

The life of a work at home mother acting as a single mom

So I’m back to working at home. I am so thankful to have been given this privilege by my new company to be working at home because I get to spend more time with my daughter and I get to watch her closely and bond more with her. But working at home as a single mother isn’t all that fun as it can get a bit exhausting too because I have a very demanding boss who I love so much and her name is Danica.

So here’s how my life goes day in and day out.

I don’t want to start with the first thing I do in the morning because my day doesn’t start out that way. Let’s just start at around noon because that’s when my day starts right now (but this will change starting next week when my daughter starts going to school but for now let’s begin around noon). Noontime I wake up and start my day with a cup of coffee. I usually don’t eat yet around this time but slowly preparing for my lunch. I start my day really slow and you’ll understand at the end of this blog why. I prep myself to start working and around 2PM usually I’m already doing some work. As much as I want to focus on work, I can’t. Why? Because my little 3 year old, and sometimes with her cousins, would barge in my room and make a mess or would beg me to move so they could use the laptop. It can drive me crazy sometimes but what can a mother do, right? So basically the whole day I do my work less than I wish I could and more with getting myself insane dealing with a very active little girl. It pays though whenever she’d come to hug me and kiss me and tell me I’m the best mom in the world.

At night I usually get to work for longer hours and I love working at night because it’s more peaceful. I try to tuck my daughter to bed as early as possible but usually she’d fall asleep around 10 or during unfortunate evenings, around 11 or 12! If she is really exhausted then she’d fall asleep easy but when she isn’t then I need to do a lot of convincing and we spend a long time with storytelling before she’d doze off. By the time she’s asleep I’m also feeling a bit tired but I still need to work. I usually work until around 3am and I’d quickly try to get some sleep by then. Oh just to add, sometimes when I work at night I would still go and check up on her whenever she’s moving during her sleep because she would sometimes get nightmares. I’d rush to her so she’d stay asleep. Waking her up would be a disaster because she’d stay awake until dawn!  Usually around 5am she’d wake up and ask me for milk. Sometimes when she sees there’s sunlight she’d force herself to wake up and demand that I’d wake up too because she was told that night time is for sleeping and day time is for waking up so I should wake up. Considering I just fell asleep and groggy, that is just impossible so I still have to convince her some more that I need to sleep. Sometimes she’d keep on talking to me after I take off her diaper until she can already go out and be with her yaya. I try to go back to sleep again feeling really groggy. Around 7am or 8am usually she’d come barging in the room trying to wake me up for some petty reasons like she’d talk to me about Peppa Pig or Pink Panther or would tell me her cousin fought with her again. It goes on and on and on until around noontime I get to wake up and I feel like I could just sleep the whole day but I can’t otherwise I’d be tagged as a lazy person. 

That’s my basic regular routine… Add to that the other things I need to do to keep myself sane so I still squeeze in some time to go out and hang out which is one of the great perks of working at home. And although I’m glad to have this job, I also have a job as a writer and got a new task up as well so I am basically working for this company I’m with but also doing some freelance jobs on the side. On top of that, starting June 4 I would have to help prepare for her school which starts 10AM and would help her with her assignments!

Sheesh! And they think being a stay at home mom is the most convenient and laziest job around.

An experience that taught me what love meant and it’s not what I expected

The time came when we had to bid each other goodbye. That time I was heartbroken but felt relieved as well. “I’m free”, I thought to myself. I was traumatized with what happened during our time together and I started to doubt myself if the love I felt was real in the first place or was it merely an illusion. Months passed and I affirmed to myself that it was the best decision I made and that we weren’t really meant to be and it was really just an illusion.

I hated… got angry… then eventually I forgave you. And when I stopped looking at you through my angry eyes I saw what I saw back in the day when love was still pure and life was bliss. I saw in you the man who made me comfortable to just be me. I saw in you the man I fell in love with, who never wanted to see me hurt, who’d run straight to me when I got sick just to give me a bit of comfort. I saw in you the man who was there holding my hand when I was being rolled in the operating room to give birth to our baby and the same man who held my hand trying to be strong when I was rolled in the operating room again and telling me I can do it and to be strong when the doctors tried to fix my heart. That same man who made me feel secure and trembled more for my fears than I did but still tried to comfort me.

I learned through all of these that people do make mistakes and one mistake does not define the person. We need to get rid of our angry eyes and replace it with loving eyes then we’ll come to see the beauty of the people around us. I am glad this happened… God affirmed to me that I was indeed made for you. You who completed me and still completes me… The man who is ever so willing to win me back even knowing that he’d end up taking care of an aching and sick old lady when the time comes. It’s not yet time for us to be together, might take years before we could. But for now I can say, we are for each other. Oh what a love story we have. It’s one for the books!

“As long as two people really love each other, everything will just fall into place.”

What motherhood means to me

It means wanting more for her and less for me.

It means taking delight in watching her sleep and hearing her snore.

It means wanting to protect her even giving my life if needed be.

It means enjoying every little thing she does, every gift she gives- no matter how small, simple or even just imaginary.

It means wanting what’s best for her even if it pains me.

It means learning to say NO even if it makes her say I hate you mom, because I know I have to say NO.

It means leaving my work or other things I do when she says “Mom, please read me a story.”

It means whenever she gets emotional and cries, I too can’t help but cry with her.

It means saying sorry to her when I offend her or make mistakes so she too could learn it’s right to say sorry when you did something wrong.

It means wanting nothing but the best for her but still giving her her options because it’s her life I can only be her guide.

It means loving her, giving her all of me, making her my world even though I know someday she will choose to leave my side.

For me, motherhood is a job that is the most rewarding, most fulfilling, life changing and it’s also the most exhausting and most painful job in the world. If there’s one thing in the world I would never ever regret, it’s by choosing to be a mom.

I am a mom more than I am anything else.

Seeking comfort.

Hello there, blog. It's nice to have you as my company for tonight. It's been a sad day for me. Well, not at first, but ended quite sadly. Can't help but cry.  I was taking care of my lil girl the whole day but unfortunately I got a really bad attach which led me to just stay in bed feeling so weak and having a hard time to get myself up and help out my lil girl who was asking for additional milk. My lil girl is a mature 3 year old and when I told her I really need to rest now, she understood and gave me my space to rest for over an hour... but, I am still not feeling so well. At least I can't be more stressed and strained at this point.  I am sad because I'm still finding it difficult to accept that I do have a bad heart. I am sad because there's so much I want to do with my lil girl and can't do much anymore because of my bad heart. I am so deeply sad because she has to leave me tonight so she could stay with her dad who can better take care of her at this time.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad he offered to help. But, it really broke my heart. I have to give him this time which she should still be with me and my lil girl still wanted to stay here with me... But because I couldn't take care of her tonight I really have to let her go to them. I know she's in good hands and she''d be happy but this is seriously breaking mommy's heart.  I love you so much my lil girl...

Well, just had to get this out of my system. Thanks blog for listening to me. Will try to cheer up now.

100 happy days through blogging

Okay so I have this friend who wanted to start the 100 happy days and instead of posting photos on Facebook, she prefer to start posting on her blog for 100 days. Okay, so 100 blog posts in 100 days sound crazy and tell you, that is really crazy, so she decided to post there weekly. I wanted to join in as well since my blog would surely need some post boost but, just like her, will be posting weekly instead of daily (I just hope I'd make it to the very end of the 100 happy days though, no promises).

So here's the start of my 100 happy days through blogging. Day 1 (week 1)

So last night I was deeply heartbroken. I have this "someone", I prefer to keep this anonymous, who was in need of some enlightenment. Being a shoulder to cry on, being someone to give another some light when your light is starting to get a little bit dim can be quite daunting... But, because of my extreme love for this person, I couldn't let go and just wanted to help out as much as I can.  I'm heartbroken because I feel I didn't do enough to help this person to get rid of the pain and anger inside her heart. I felt I could have done more but I became busy as well and life, well, just had to go on. I reflected on her life 'cos I really could see myself in her, I saw the old me, the most fragile version of me... And I knew she needed help, she needed somebody to lift her spirit up, dust off the dirt and make her go on in her journey. Life can really be painful but it can be a little bit more painful to others while some are blessed to have a pain-free life.

Why did I start off my 100 happy days with something that is actually heartbreaking? It's because I, through God's grace, was able to lift her up to start another day instead of taking pills to end it all. I once was in the same spot and God gave me people and signs that made me able to write this today. So, may God continue to use me for His purpose. I am open to listen to whatever He tells me to do.

100 happy days. Let's count our blessings each day and may we be blessings to others as well.  Happy Sunday!!!

A brief release...

As I looked over my window I could see the deep blue hue of the endless sea meeting the beautiful clear blue sky with a few white clouds that seemed to float over a cushion of a double shaded satin. I sighed and closed my eyes as I envision myself basking in the sun and feeling the warmth of this great big source of life throughout the land. I wanted to get rid of all the pain and rage that hides within me as my soul eagerly cries for me to get rid of all these ill feelings that plagues me and scares me.  As I envision myself in pure nothingness, no worries or pain, my lips started to show signs of a smile.  That short moment, just the view of the sea and the sky, two very opposite entities of this world coming together in my view made me feel a short moment of freedom.  I sipped the hot brew from my cup, looked out my window again before bidding this beautiful view a goodbye to start my day.

What I learned in my life

Life can really be so unpredictable. Things happen that you never thought would ever happen and you’re there and you feel like you’re just watching your life go by in front of you and you’re just a mere spectator having no control over what’s going on. There are times when I feel everything’s going in slow motion and every emotion and actions are magnified but you really couldn’t understand what’s going on. You just feel it, you know it’s real, but you just cannot understand.

I’ve been through a lot of difficulties in my life especially recently. Sometimes I wonder if I ever even learned anything from my past or I’m simply walking in stride and continually making bad decisions in my life. But you know, I really don’t think much about that. I don’t want to be too cautious because I am fearful of what will happen next. Truth is, you’ll never really know.  No matter how much you try to control things and aim to be at your best, things just happen and your world can crumble in a twinkle of an eye.  If there’s 1 thing I learned it is that life is totally unpredictable.

Of course you can try to look back and see all the warning signs and you’d think that perhaps if you did this or that differently, the end result would also be different. Of course we would all think that way because we already know what happened. But then if you really think about it long and hard, if you changed things, would the end result really be different? If different, would it be a “good” different result or an even worse one?  No one can really tell… only God knows for sure.

They say our life had already been written in the Book of Life and everything that’s happening to us was meant to happen. I don’t really believe in this though. God gave us free will to make our choices and we have to suffer or benefit from the results of those decisions.  If it’s all written in God’s book then having free will would’ve been just a lie. God knows our souls and He is always there to guide us, help us through life because it is our life and we’re the ones living it. He watches and guards us and He helps by guiding us to make the right choices. When we cry God cries. When we cheer He cheers with us. When we cry for help with all our hearts, He hears us.  One thing I also learned in life it’s that God is always by my side.

I may still not really completely absorb how my life turned upside down. I may still have a lot of difficulties to face and I don’t even know how to completely be okay but I do know that I will be okay and I will have an even better life because God knows my pain and God knows my willingness to make it better. God is a merciful and loving God that I also know that He already forgave me for my sins and He forgave him for all his sins against me, my family and everyone else affected.

I also learned that there is always a rainbow after the rain. It doesn’t matter how bad that rain is, whether it’s a category 5 storm or just a few drops of rain enough to just wet the land and cause us a bit of a chill. That rain would eventually disappear and you’d see better days.  I learned that these heavy downpours are the ones that make you appreciate life so much more. You won’t see the good in good if you have never seen the bad. It’s these storms in our lives that make us better individuals. Stronger, wiser and more faithful to our God because He alone can truly help us when everything and everyone else just can’t.

I learned that through all the tragedies and hurts of my life, life is indeed beautiful. The more color you add to your life the more vibrant it becomes. We only have 1 life and it doesn’t really matter whether it is filled with pain or joy, what really matters is that we are given this one chance to live, to exist as an individual… our souls having the chance to be righteous and a chance to surrender our lives to the Lord. What really matters is that when our life is over we would see a giant golden gate opening and a grand celebration and cheers that welcomes us back to our home with the Lord. 

Surrender your brokenness to Him and He’ll not only fix you up, He’ll even make you better.  I find joy in knowing that God leads me now.

Life

Choose to live
Life’s way too short
Every minute, every moment,
It’s much too precious.
Don’t let them go by
Don’t waste any chance you get
Choose to live…
Your life is yours… live it while you still can.

 ~Lila.

Picking Up the Pieces

Will try to pick up the pieces
Of my broken self
 Piece by piece
I’ll put myself back together again…

 In God’s time
And in God’s ways
He’ll make things happen
That will shake us, break us
But it’s what’s needed to help make us
To be the person/s He wants us to be.

 I wonder why,
I wonder how
Things had to happen the way it did
But who am I to question God’s plan for me?
All I know is, hey I’m still breathing… Life goes on still…
That means something’s still waiting for me.

 So I lift it all up to You, Oh Lord…
You know the pains of my heart
Please take care of me at this season of my life
So I’ll know one day I’ll wake up and say, “I am okay”.

About friendship again.

Here's another blog post talking about friends again. Hihi! Well, good news! I patched things up with my friend who I almost lost through misunderstanding and lack of communication. God's great! I patched things up with a former great friend too. Though we were able to keep a friendship after our falling out but it was only recently that we actually were able to really talk about it and somehow able to bring back that bond that we had. I am blessed. My friends give me the strength and boosts me up when I'm feeling so down. My childhood friend went back to Japan after her 4 months vacation. I am so grateful for her. She's an amazing friend and never felt the same comfort, love, and trust that I felt with her. We made a vow to each other to always be friends. I am so blessed to have her and I'm so thankful that she feels the same way for me:)

Well, people who have found true friendship are indeed lucky. Like what I'd say, when I'm asked to count my blessings I start it by counting my friends first.  God is too gracious for giving me a few real true friends who I can really trust.  You know, there are just certain people who you really can connect with. You jive in a remarkable way and even though you try to keep a little distance because you're afraid to get hurt, you'd eventually drop off your shields and embrace the beauty of a wonderful friendship.  It's like there's a spark that starts a wildfire. It's uncontrollable and you can just watch how the flame covers a bigger and bigger space that eventually it burns up the entire wilderness. You are helpless, you can't help it but just embrace it. Of course, a wildfire isn't something you'd want to happen in real life (obviously I'm using it just as a metaphor) but the beauty of how a small spark could create such a huge fire is just breathtaking.  Same applies to friendship. You first meet either by being introduced to one another or fate just takes your paths to cross. You start out as strangers then something starts a conversation. A smile, a giggle, a heartwarming message, a sweet hug then eventually love grows inside the heart and when it does, it just grows bigger and bigger and you have no control then you become inseparable.

Not everyone experience such a friendship but those who do are indeed very lucky. Such friendships are amazing but no matter how amazing the feeling is at that moment, things can go in either way in the future. There's a fear for being hurt but if you truly love your friend, even that won't hinder you from loving your friend with all of your heart. At least I am like that. And it's hard to create relationships with friends who hold their inhibitions because of fear of what can happen and how they can get hurt. If you don't strip off all those inhibitions and fears you can never truly experience true love/great friendship. Burn down those walls, open your heart, and just allow love to come in and fill it up. Yeah, the future is uncertain. Those people you love may hurt you alright but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying the beauty of friendship. Just remember Jesus knew He would be put to death. He knew He'd be betrayed by some of His disciples but that didn't stop Him from loving them, loving us. Because of His Great Love, He suffered tremendous pain and died a very painful death. But then, it's that kind of love that radiates until now. Isn't it amazing how such great love overflowed from His heart and shared to all of us? He didn't hesitate. He was scared, yes, but He pushed through with His mission for His Father, and that is to save us all. There's no greater love indeed, both from Christ and from God, for the kind of sacrifice they made for us all. I believe true love is really like that. You give. You give and you give even when you can't give some more. When the time comes that you do get hurt, you don't feel any regrets and even willing to do it all over again. Pain is indeed inevitable but that shouldn't stop us from actually experiencing love. Why deprive yourself of that feeling? Just go out and love the people that you love. Enjoy expressing love. It's really wonderful.

What is friendship to me?

Ever since I was a kid, I would admire how my sister is able to maintain great friendship with 2 of her friends. From kindergarten, actually since day 1 when she stepped foot in her school, she met her 2 most precious friends and from then on they became inseparable. For over 30 years and though they now live in different countries their friendship lives on and continues to go strong... Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to find friends like that... Friends who'd stay with me until my dying days...

That's really how I am... That's how I see friendship. I don't make friends so easily because I don't just want casual friends... When I make friends and when I become close to some, I want the friendship to really last the test of time... I am not just satisfied with the friendship now, but I am hoping for more years enjoying that friendship... That's the kind of person that I am...

I have different kinds of friends... Friends who I can really be myself with, friends who only see parts of me and loves me for what they see or know, and friends who I feel knows my soul completely... I must say I am very comfortable hanging out with friends who knows me for who I am, both the good and bad side of my personality and still love me for me but, I find those who knows my soul completely as the most special ones...  Actually, I only had 1 such friend... I'll get to that later on.

Friends who knows me in all facets are also quite few. I don't like sharing all my deepest secrets just with anyone as they'd most expectantly be shocked because I don't project that kind of persona. I'm the demure type but I have a bit of a wild side as well and it's nice to really be who I am to some people. These are the friends I really treasure and it would be devastating to me if I'd lose this type of friendship.

I can quite say that I am lucky with my friends. When I need someone, I have someone there... Well, not all the time it's the same person who gets to be there for me but I love all my friends and I am just glad that when they can, they are willing to be there for me.  I am touched with simple gestures of making me feel that I, too, am important to them and that they too would want me to be happy.  In friendship I believe that in order for it to really last, there needs to be a give and take... Well, it's more of you need to give more and not expect to take anything in return but really, there are times when you really need that friend and it's also important that that person won't just leave you hanging and start giving... for you. Give, not in material things, of course but in filling you up where you're slowly losing it...

I have a friend who had been very sweet and nice to me but we live so far apart. I got caught up with my busy life and she's quite busy with hers too that I wasn't able to get in touch... Later on I learned she tried to kill herself the 2nd time around. Thankfully, it was unsuccessful but she'd been through a LOT. When I learned about it, my heart cried.  I wasn't there for her. Wasn't able to make her feel better. I became too focused with my life. Although we both know we love and care about each other and we don't really need to always be there for each other, but still, at that time I should have been there but I wasn't. I prioritized other things and I put our friendship aside... Then I got that news and made me wake up.  I need to be present in the lives of my friends because sometimes, that's the only lifeline they have left... I didn't realize it can really happen and with this particular friend, that lifeline was not even there for her. I thank God she is still alive now and I promise never to let that happen again. I am here now, that's what I'd always say to her...  You see, it isn't true that in friendship you don't have expectations. It's ideal, yes, but that does not work so well. At least in my opinion. I believe in friendship you cannot really make any demands but sometimes, it's best to communicate well... Let's say, you're feeling ouch regarding this aspect of your friendship then you have to say it, do something about it, and let the other person know about it... Do anything in order to save the friendship and that person must also do something about it.  No friendship can survive when it's just a one-way friendship cos eventually it will drain out... you can't just give and give and give and love tremendously while the other goes out living his/her life with all the other people and doesn't even give you time or effort and will only tell you, well you know I love you and that's all that matters. Yeah, thanks for the love but wouldn't I appreciate that love more if you somehow let me experience what it's like to actually be loved by you? That's the cry of my heart...

Anyway, moving forward, with regards to friends who knows your soul, I think they are the most special. As I said I only had one like that. It's hard to explain what that friendship's like really. It's like you've known each other long ago but you only just met. That's how the first introduction was. It's like we were talking and I just felt like I knew this girl my whole life and I am willing to even sacrifice my own life for hers. It was really weird it's like there were fireworks and angels singing when we were together or when we communicate with one another. It's like every time our souls connect, there's a grand celebration of sort. Perhaps, it's what a soulmate is like. I don't know... but that's what it felt like. It wasn't just any ordinary friendship, it was magical.  I don't even think I'll ever find another friend like that. Perhaps you really have just 1 soulmate and you are lucky when you get to meet that person once in your lifetime. I am so glad that I did. I was lucky to have met my soulmate and I will forever remember the grand celebration that's happening within me whenever we were together.  Sadly, they say that when soulmates part from one another, they experience the most pain... I believe that too. It's the kind of pain that's hard to hide. It's pain that doesn't just touch the superficial part of the heart but goes through to the deepest part.  It kills you inside... but I still believe, that even that type of pain can go away in time...

You see, I have lost that great friendship. I must say I've went through different emotions with it and I also became very angry. I felt so misunderstood. I felt I was treated so low. I felt I came out like I'm such a bad friend and that she doesn't really know who I really am and she doubted my love and affection for her.  I later on realize that it's really not that... We just became different persons... Time and distance quite took its toll on us... Eventually, the friendship just died out... Could it be because it became shallow? Perhaps... There were times when I felt I don't even know her anymore...  And even though those little things didn't matter to me at first, but eventually it added up and we started to be like strangers... The spark was gone... I wanted to fix things again because I can't give up on the special bond we had and I still love her so much... with all my heart and soul. But then, I stopped trying to work things out and preferred to not be a part of her life anymore because I realized that the more I push myself to her, the more I am hurting her. Better hurt her one time big time, so to speak... One big blow of being completely gone from her life and I know she will recover from it in time. At least when she recovers by then, that would be it... She'd move on. Maybe she'd hate me all her life but, that's better than trying to work out our friendship that will only hurt her more and more because it's just not anymore like how it used to be.

It's really sad when we lose great friendships but we should also be mature enough to accept it when it does... God has better plans for us... Perhaps, we'd end up finding the same person again but that time things will be better. Who knows what the future holds, right?

Well, that's it for now. :)

An awakening...

Remember when you were a little kid? You used to have big dreams. You wanted to become a doctor, a rich businessman, a loving mother/father, a nurse, etc. We used to dream of what we'll be when we grow up. Now that we're all grown up, what happened to those dreams? Have you been so busy that you barely have time to start living your life? Always go back to how you were as a little kid, how that little boy/girl would react when (s)he sees you now. Will that little kid be proud or disappointed? It's never too late to change things. You're still alive, you can still make that little kid proud of you. When the sun is setting in your life, at least you can look back and say that you lived the life you wanted.

Every now and then we are reminded of this yet we brush it off and go on with our boring life. We let each day pass by and we still focus on things that don't really matter. We get so caught up on what's urgent and we forget on what's important. We work... We work every day and we spend very little time on what makes us feel alive. Say this to a kid and they won't understand why adults do that. Yes, we have obligations but seriously now... Obligations will never go away. Bills would keep on coming. When we're done saving up to get a car, we focus on getting a house then we complain about all the bills and all the obligations that goes with it. We just don't stop, do we? We are so hungry for so many things then we complain that it's stopping us from actually living.

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." Here's a quote I really like because it's really true. Why don't we change our perception of life? Why don't we think about our life today, why we have this kind of life and why are we unhappy? Why say the glass is half empty when you can it's half full? Just think about it...

Obligations... It's not an excuse. Can you list down the number of things you wanted to do but never did? What's stopping you? Take time to just let go of all the hurdles that's in the way for you to actually enjoy the life you have. We are not in this world forever. This is just a place to prepare us for what comes next. It is also the time when we can enjoy being human... being a part of this planet. Why don't you take that chance and just jump... be free... Feel how the world can be so wonderful.

I am going to live my life. Thank You Lord for the big reminder.

Open letter for my daughter

My sweet little angel,

I hope one day you'd come across this post and read what your mom has to say for you. Right now you're a sweet young little darling at the age of 1 year and 9 months. Since the day I learned about you growing in my womb, you made your mommy's life so happy. I always wanted to meet you and now that you're here with us, words could not express just how much I love and care for you. Just like any mother would, I think about what's best for you first before I even think of myself. Your dad sometimes throw tantrums because he would jokingly say that since you came he no longer became a priority. Of course I love your dad but you have changed my life in such a way that I focus more on you because you need me the most. It really warms my heart every time you say "mommy, I love you" and every time you get angry when someone tries to hold me. You are so possessive of your mom because you only want to be my special one. I truly enjoy being with you and enjoying the sweet hugs and kisses from you and all the "I love yous" you'd say to me. You are my heaven, sweetheart and I want to be the best mom I can for you. I love you so much.

 My dearest sweetie, I hope you know that no matter what happens in the future remember that your mom loved you so much. Please don't even doubt that because I am willing to give my life for you when I am given the chance to once again. You see, mommy got sick because of my pregnancy that went wrong along the way. I knew something was not right but the doctors didn't quite get it but I held on because losing you is never an option. I held on and I knew you'd hold on too and I'm glad we made it 'til the end. We almost didn't, sweetheart. But we finished the race though I was bruised through our battle. Being a mother is tough, my dearest. I hope when you grow up and planning to be a mom yourself you must first prepare for what lies ahead. It is not easy and things can go out of hand. You can lose more than you are planning to but in the end it is all worth it. Seeing you grow up so beautifully reminds me that I made the right choice. You are the right choice my darling. I love you so much and I hope you will always love me too. And of course, your dad. :)

 Sincerely,

 Your Mom

You are just like your mother

I think that mothers have a very huge influence in our lives. I realize that one reason why I remained so bitter is because my mom is feeding me with a bit of bitterness regarding my issues. As much as I want to heal, her influence and my paranoia is a lethal combination that made me stay where I am at now. I want to move on and I hope I can and I hope she could move on too.

It may seem funny but that movie touched me

There was this movie shown on Cinema one with Aiko Melendez and Chinchin Gutierrez. I don't know what that movie is all about because I didn't really watch it. But, my daughter's nanny was watching it and I caught a few glimpse of it. Well, to give a bit of description, Chinchin's character there is very giving but she became very bitter and angry when everything started to crumble in her life. Aiko is her best friend who actually was the reason for all the bad luck in her life (at least that's how I saw it). Anyway, it's the line of Aiko that got me. She said that Chin2x loves others too much but she forgot to love herself first. Her happiness is based on other people and if they don't reach her expectations, she starts breaking down and get disappointed. She said that Chin2x has to love herself first in order to find true happiness and not base it on other people. That she loves others but she also expects something from them in return.

It kinda hit me because I somehow realized I am somewhat similar to Chin's character. I realized I love others more than I love myself and when they disappoint me I get hurt and it takes me awhile to recover. I expect others to fill my need for love when I should be the one to fill it for myself. I realized that if I start loving myself first, things won't affect me so much. People won't always be there for me and they won't always do things in my favor or will make me happy. If I am happy on my own, they don't need to do all those things and I'd still value them just as much. The lines of Aiko was really deep and I think I would remember that for a long time. I need to learn to love myself a lot more and I'm starting that now. I will say I love you to myself every day and I'll protect myself and care for myself just as how I would protect and care for others. It's a big realization for me indeed.

New life... again

So, I'm back here in Laguna. Chose to move here despite the opposition from my parents who can't simply accept the fact that I am no longer a kid (:P) and I have no regrets. So far I'm quite happy here living with my husband and our baby girl. Our baby is growing so fast and I'm glad I can be with her every single day and see her grow. I am happy now though I know I am still wounded. Finally, I think, I really need to move on. As I think about what had happened in the past and what they have done to me, I realize that there's no point in me ruining my life and not enjoying what I have now. My friend was right, I have so many blessings already and I shouldn't ask God why He is blessing them even though He knows they deeply wounded me... destroyed me, in fact! But, life has to go on. I can choose to just think about what happened and not move forward and eventually regret the lost chances, or I can move on now and simply enjoy the life that I am already given. I now will choose the latter.

I know there will still be issues in the future and they will continue to try and hurt me or talk about me like I'm a big joke but I have no control over that. I guess I just have to let them be. It may take awhile for me to completely forgive them and rub elbows with them again (if ever that would still happen) but I will just move on now. I just have to think of my blessings. I am so thankful that we moved far from them too. Less contact with them, the better. I noticed before when I was still in Mandaluyong I was really happy and at peace with myself. When I returned home, I became so angry again... Anger is not a good feeling to feel and I kept that anger in my heart so I could protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to open up to them but they abused my trust... again! Oh, well. That's their problem now, not mine. But somehow I allowed them to be victorious over me because I kept myself distant and attacked people because I was angry. I no longer want to be angry.

Well, just want to post here again. It's been awhile since I last visited my blog. I do hope that the next blog posts would all be positive- no more hurts, anger and disappointments (fingers crossed). They've done enough. Now it's time to free myself. :)