After all the drama, I'm finally getting married

Well, I was really depressed for weeks but now I feel much better. After all that had happened, at least we are still pushing through with the wedding. I'm glad everything worked out for the better and this actually taught me a lot of things.

1. My sisters love me so much and they'll do everything to protect me from harm
2. Dad loves me a lot too
3. I should not be angry at God whenever I feel like life is so unfair
4. I have friends who really care for me
5. I should not keep my problems to myself.

It's a painful ordeal but won't talk about it here. hehe! But, I learned lessons from it and I have moved on from it. I just thank God that He helped us through the ordeal. Finally, our wedding will push through. Yep, I am getting married in a church! :) I'm so happy!

Something Borrowed, Something New, Something Old, Something Blue...

I am making a new blog entry here simply because I feel the need to. The start of the year is pretty tough for me. I thought the New Year will bring something better for me but, here I am, feeling even more miserable and hopeless.

I'm still trying to be hopeful. Not that I am still hoping things will turn out better but I am hoping to be stronger. Got to face the fact that I need to be much stronger if I want to survive this life. God's throwing me huge stones and I am already starting to feel the pain of each throw. Maybe everything's just accumulating or maybe I'm just hoping that He'd stop throwing me these heavy stones because I already threw in the towel but, maybe He just wanna test me to my limits. Or maybe, He wants me to write my own story and send it to MMK so Charo could share it to all Filipinos *giggles*. I really don't know what His plans are for me but I'd rather stop being angry at Him for all of these things that are happening right now. I'd rather just be numb about it for now or at least try as much as I can to just not think about my problems but sometimes, I just feel so sorry for myself. Why the hell am I experiencing these dramas in my life? Why?!!

There's too much hurt already that lately I wish every day that God would just take me away. I wish for an accident or maybe for me to just not wake up 1 morning. I just feel so fed up with the world but I can't just take my own life... but maybe if there will be more pain, I might end up just doing that. Of course, I am just saying this.

Anyway, I am just venting. I need a way to let this out as I don't want to experience what I experienced last night. I think I hyperventilated or something. Maybe it was an anxiety attack, I dunno... just doesn't feel nice. It totally freaked me out! Wait, maybe I was just freaked out and 'coz I was freaked out then I got freaked out by being freaked out? Err... Now I'm confused!

My hand hurts but I love it...

Kept banging the wall today, was so angry that I had to let out some steam. I can't shout, that'd be too scandalous so instead I ended up hurting myself again. I banged the wall with my hand until it was really red. It hurts so much but I like it 'coz it made me cry. I needed to cry... I am in so much pain and I feel so angry. Nice way to start the new year, huh? I really lost all hope now... hitting rock bottom isn't a good feeling.

I am horribly depressed right now, feel like life is really so unfair. Don't know what awful thing I've ever done in my life that I am punished like this. I know I did something bad too but is this my punishment? This is just too much! I am so angry at the world, I am so bitter and frustrated. I was already barely hanging on but I never thought it'll end to this. This is even worse than before. This is not how I wanted to happen, I imagined this to be a happy moment in my life but no, it's the most horrifying experience in my life and I just want the world to stop... to just end. I want to vommit in great disgust over what my life ended up to be, I can't believe all these and it's all really happening to me. It's not just a sad story from a movie, it's really happening to me and it left me bitter, angry, resentful, deranged and I don't know what else... unspiritual?

I think I need to hurt my hand even more, I still need to vent even more. I need to cry more and I need to get away from my reality even just for awhile. Life is full of crap, it's amazing how my life turns to the worse and worse and worse, the evil train just doesn't wanna stop. I hope one night my life will just be snatched away from me and I can't wake up. I've never been this angry my entire life. Nice welcome to 2009... so nice!

What a nice 1st post for the year.