My daily battle

I have a problem. This problem had been torturing me for many years and I try so hard to escape it. Sometimes I can handle it but there are really times when I really can't run away anymore and I would start feeling suffocated by these evil words in my head, telling me things that I know aren't real.

This voice, in my head, it tells me to do things I don't want to do to myself. It tells me that I'm no good and that I should be ashamed of myself. It tells me that life is miserable and that I should pity myself. I know everything it's telling me is wrong and untrue but the feeling it leaves me is still the same... miserable. I am fighting it and asking for outside help too but am not so sure if people truly believe me with the things that I say. I am not going crazy, you know, it's just that there's this evil voice telling me these things. It's my own little voice, maybe an alter-ego, I dunno... But this voice is making me feel like I am indeed crazy. Why can't I just enjoy and be contented with all the blessings I have today? When it started whispering me all these things again now I don't feel so blessed. I am trying to (notice my previous blog?) stay positive and count my blessings.

February 10 is a special day, it would have been our first death anniversary if we pushed through with the double suicide last year. Now, just a few days before that day, I am starting to think of doing it again... Now, solo. Of course I won't do it. Just that this suicidal tendency keeps on coming back. How foolish am I to even think about it, I am reaping God's blessings now... but why do I have this constant vision of myself jumping off our balcony? Why? I want to stop thinking about it now, I am praying for it.