Bittersweet days...

Going through a tough time lately. I got lots of disappointments that I took in harshly. I was disappointed with a client who suddenly changed his mind. I was preparing for it then all of a sudden, he just said "never mind" as if nothing's at stake there. I couldn't blame him, clients are always right but I guess I just felt bad about it because I am saving up for my baby and doing everything that I can to give my baby a good future and all that. But, my body is so tired plus with the stress, I just went into seclusion. I wanted to get away from the world and from people... I shut down.

Usually when I get an episode, I don't shut down. But this time it felt very different. I just had too much all at one time. I found out that husband's family is telling a different story about our ordeal last year. I got so angry... very angry then when I decided I wanted to heal, I got another blow. This time with one client... All of this happened in one day and it just became too much for me... too much because my body was already tired and my heart was starting to get very tired as well. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to just disappear... fade away and never come back. And I never felt so alone even with my husband trying to cheer me up and telling me about all the opportunities and blessings that came our way. At that point, everything seemed futile. Nothing made sense... All our hard work, what is it really for? I tend to forget baby D is waiting to take a glimpse of our world and we're the ones who should take good care of her. All these are for her, not for me, so I have to keep on going. But, I was just way too tired... I wasn't able to go on. I dropped and needed to recover and I should recover fast because clock is ticking.

I am still trying to recover from it, trying to regain my strength back. I'm just glad I have a friend here who was willing to keep me company so I could be back to my old self again. For that I am so thankful. I am so blessed when it comes to my friends. But, the happiness is really short-lived. I am lucky in gaining friends but these friends can't stay with me... They all have to be away from me and that's sad. But, I am still blessed I have them in my life and I am even more blessed that they are happy they have me in their lives. Still, I am hoping... Someday I could settle in one place and meet a friend who'll be a friend and a companion for all the days of my life. Someone who I can run to when I need a friend. Someone who'd be physically present when I need someone aside from my husband... Someday... I am claiming that :)

But for now, I must focus on my emotional healing... for my baby who needs mommy.