The Noose!

So tempting!

Again, I am not in my best state. Depression sinks in once more, over the same problem that continues to torture me. I wonder if this is something that I deserve. Maybe I've done something really horrible (of course I am not err-free) that God wanted to punish me this way. I'm wrapped with confusion once again. Don't know what's the right thing to do and which plan should I push through.

I am planning on leaving for Cebu by next month but it's still just a plan. When I'm there I don't ever want to go back to my life here. I am tormented here. Life sucks here. I'm wounded and the wound is so deep that recovering from it may be impossible. I just want to break free.

Nothing's going the way I want. I'm just getting more and more upset each day that I don't see any glimmer of hope in my future. I just don't understand why I have to go through this. And, I feel so alone. Am I alone in this fight? I really feel that way... He is there, trying to help me but he seems to be adding more to my pain. His efforts are useless and I end up putting him down, making him feel like such a loser. I don't mean to do that... But, I am just being bitter and honest. I am in pain and I don't deserve this. This should be his problem and his alone. Why did I suffer such humiliation? Why did he let me suffer this way? Why wasn't he able to protect me from them? How will he be able to protect me in the future then?

I feel so lost and wasted. I wish I could drink until I get so drunk! I feel so angry and bitter and remorseful. I just hate my life right now. Nothing can seem to fill my heart anymore. I need some joy back in my life... some reasons for me to be happy. But, what is there left for me?