RIP Frosty :''''(

July 15, at around 8 in the morning my dog died.

4 am July 15, I woke up from a crying sound. Frosty was outside the door, crying as she wanted to come in. I woke up and opened the door for my baby Frosty and she went in. She didn't make me sleep anymore, we played and I cuddled her. I made her feel so loved and I liked petting her as she closed her eyes and enjoyed being with me. Frosty was my constant companion. She rarely left my side and I felt like this dog worshiped me and loved me unconditionally. Even when I've been away for a few months, the moment she sees me eye to eye she remembers me and she starts following me around like we've never been apart. I guess that's how unconditional dogs love their masters. She forgave me many times for leaving her months at a time and when we're together again, she pretends like we lost no time.

Past 7 in the morning last July 15, I was still chatting with my sister. I told her I'm going to take a nap as I haven't slept after 4 AM 'coz Frosty woke me up. Just a few minutes later, our helper came in and brought Frosty. She said Frosty was ran over by our car and she can't walk well... might have broken her leg. I looked at Frosty and she looked in pain but she didn't really cry. she moved towards the place where she usually sleeps, just right beside my bed. She laid there as she was in pain. I didn't know what to do, I called up my husband. Told him Frosty's in pain, might have broken her leg. Then, Frosty looked at me and I saw blood rushing out of her mouth. I started crying, shouting in disbelief. As I was talking to my husband I couldn't help myself. I became hysterical. Then, she died... Just about 2 minutes after she was brought in to be with me, she died. I knew she was dead because she started to pee. I cried so hard, I lost my constant companion, my best friend. Husband tried to comfort me, my sister who our helper called up tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop crying. I just lost my dog... I could not believe it, until now I couldn't believe it. Frosty's gone. She's really gone.

After awhile, I had to stop crying because I am putting my baby in danger by being so emotional. I had to put all my pain aside because I cannot afford to jeopardize my baby and have early labor. That time I started feeling pain in my abdomen and I started experiencing cramps. I got nervous, I immediately lied down and rested. I automatically stopped crying though my heart was in so much pain. It was at this moment that I realized it's so damn hard to be pregnant. I couldn't grieve for my baby Frosty. I feel it's so unfair, she deserves my grief but I can't grieve too much. But, I know Frosty understands. I loved her so much and I never failed to make her feel that. I cuddled her every time I can and I made her feel so loved. I know she's happy now together with King Kong who died last year. I lost them both and both deaths were traumatic for me. Still, I'm happy I was able to make their lives wonderful. They were loved and I know they brag about that to other dog souls in heaven.

I've been searching online for proofs or studies about doggy heaven. I know in my heart God welcomed King Kong and Frosty and my previous pets in heaven. They are there and they are all waiting for me to someday join them and pet them and cuddle them all over again.

To my baby Frosty, I loved you so much and I will never ever forget having you as my pet. You comforted me and kept me company when I felt so alone. Goodbye my baby. I love you soooooo much! My heart continues to cry for you. I am just glad your death was quick and you died beside me. I love you.

Bittersweet days...

Going through a tough time lately. I got lots of disappointments that I took in harshly. I was disappointed with a client who suddenly changed his mind. I was preparing for it then all of a sudden, he just said "never mind" as if nothing's at stake there. I couldn't blame him, clients are always right but I guess I just felt bad about it because I am saving up for my baby and doing everything that I can to give my baby a good future and all that. But, my body is so tired plus with the stress, I just went into seclusion. I wanted to get away from the world and from people... I shut down.

Usually when I get an episode, I don't shut down. But this time it felt very different. I just had too much all at one time. I found out that husband's family is telling a different story about our ordeal last year. I got so angry... very angry then when I decided I wanted to heal, I got another blow. This time with one client... All of this happened in one day and it just became too much for me... too much because my body was already tired and my heart was starting to get very tired as well. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to just disappear... fade away and never come back. And I never felt so alone even with my husband trying to cheer me up and telling me about all the opportunities and blessings that came our way. At that point, everything seemed futile. Nothing made sense... All our hard work, what is it really for? I tend to forget baby D is waiting to take a glimpse of our world and we're the ones who should take good care of her. All these are for her, not for me, so I have to keep on going. But, I was just way too tired... I wasn't able to go on. I dropped and needed to recover and I should recover fast because clock is ticking.

I am still trying to recover from it, trying to regain my strength back. I'm just glad I have a friend here who was willing to keep me company so I could be back to my old self again. For that I am so thankful. I am so blessed when it comes to my friends. But, the happiness is really short-lived. I am lucky in gaining friends but these friends can't stay with me... They all have to be away from me and that's sad. But, I am still blessed I have them in my life and I am even more blessed that they are happy they have me in their lives. Still, I am hoping... Someday I could settle in one place and meet a friend who'll be a friend and a companion for all the days of my life. Someone who I can run to when I need a friend. Someone who'd be physically present when I need someone aside from my husband... Someday... I am claiming that :)

But for now, I must focus on my emotional healing... for my baby who needs mommy.

Why God Gave us Friends

God knew that everyone neededCompanionship and cheer...He knew that people needed someoneWhose thoughts are always near.
He knew they needed someone kindto lend a helping hand...Someone to gladly take the timeTo care and understand...That's why God gave us friends
God knew that we all needed someoneTo share each happy day...To be a source of courageWhen troubles come our way...Someone to be true to usWhether near or far apart...Someone whose love we'll always holdAnd treasure in our hearts...
That's why God gave us friends...


~~Source Unknown~~

I miss my old life...

I know things happen for a reason and with all the wonderful blessings from God, I know I shouldn't even think of missing my old life. But, I do. I guess it's just normal to reminisce and miss the past without regretting the present.

In just a blink of an eye everything changed. Our life used to be very wonderful and must I also add, quite extravagant. I somehow knew it really wouldn't last but for the time that it did, I enjoyed myself a lot. Alain and I had a lot of fun. We were carefree, not thinking about the future much but just enjoying the present and each other. We just go out whenever we want, go to resorts and just relax whenever I feel like it, watch movies every week or so, play at the arcade almost everyday, spending money here and there and just having a lot of fun. I was a busy girl then, busy going out and just enjoying life. I must admit, I loved it. Though, I was frustrated I wasn't able to push Alain to join me for my dreams of traveling abroad. He is not the traveling kind so that was quite frustrating. But, to say the least, we were quite happy doing practically anything we want, almost anytime we want. It is with the convenience and freedom that I knew it really was not going to last. For whatever reason, really. For maturity and new phase in life, we were sure we will never have that same amount of free time again. And, we were definitely right!

After that incident of February last year, everything changed. The freedom was taken away from us and maturity started to sink in. We now think of the future and we now try to save every penny we can. Sacrifices has to be made in order to better our future together. We have nobody to depend on now... No one to stop our fall if we do, so we really can not afford to fall.

Now, being back here in Bacolod, it's the more that I miss my old life. The more that I miss having Alain just nearby and whenever we feel like escaping the world, we just can. Now I am stuck here... at home... No way to release stress and no one who I can cry on. Alain has to stay in Manila to work for our future. I am really missing our old life together though I won't trade the present to the past.

We are still in the process of being molded. God is still molding us into the people that we should be and I know He will carry us through this and would give us better lives. It is hard but we will endure because God is by our side. I thank God for all the great experiences I had in my past, all I treasure so deeply. I thank God for all the pains we also had to suffer, it's what pulled us away from a carefree life and made us stronger and wiser.

Now we have to save up as much as we can so we could give this little baby in my tummy some great memories of a carefree life as well. I want our kid to enjoy life but to appreciate everything and value everything the way they deserved. Above all, I want to raise this baby learning about what me and daddy had to go through before he/she was given to us. I want him/her to know how God worked in our lives and how He manifested Himself to us and even giving us this child a year after our planned double suicide.

I want him/her to know that despite giving up everything and starting from scratch, it is all worth it because of him/her. We surely have a lot of stories to tell our little kid, he/she doesn't need story books! :)

I have a confession to make...

I smile because I want to inspire others that no matter what, there's always a reason to smile. I try not to show the pain I am going through because I don't want to cause them concern.

But, the truth is, I am in pain... physical pain.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared of what would happen to me, what my future holds for me.

The truth is, I pity myself. Why I have to go through these things and why do I have these problems?

The truth is, I sometimes can't help to get angry at God. Why I have to suffer like this and why I feel so deprived. But I take all my angry words back when I come to my senses again and I just ask for His guidance and for more strength.

The truth is, I sometimes just want to give up on myself.

And one great truth is, I feel more strengthened with each passing day, with each throb of pain I feel, with each disappointment because God believes so much in me that I could handle all these things. I am still human. I get hurt, angry, I cry and just wanna give up. But, knowing that God cares for me, I know I can endure all of these things and escape as a better person. I just have to trust in Him that He won't ever let go of my hand. I know I won't be alone in that operating room, I won't go through all the pain on my own. I know, when I cry God cries with me. When I feel pain, God feels that pain too. I know when I'm starting to get confused, God is trying to help me see things in a better perspective. I know whenever I feel scared, God hugs me and tells me everything's going to be okay because He won't let anything bad happen to me. Whenever I get angry at Him, I know He understands and forgives me. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm not going to go through these things on my own.