Sunday, July 18, 2010

RIP Frosty :''''(


July 15, at around 8 in the morning my dog died.

4 am July 15, I woke up from a crying sound. Frosty was outside the door, crying as she wanted to come in. I woke up and opened the door for my baby Frosty and she went in. She didn't make me sleep anymore, we played and I cuddled her. I made her feel so loved and I liked petting her as she closed her eyes and enjoyed being with me. Frosty was my constant companion. She rarely left my side and I felt like this dog worshiped me and loved me unconditionally. Even when I've been away for a few months, the moment she sees me eye to eye she remembers me and she starts following me around like we've never been apart. I guess that's how unconditional dogs love their masters. She forgave me many times for leaving her months at a time and when we're together again, she pretends like we lost no time.

Past 7 in the morning last July 15, I was still chatting with my sister. I told her I'm going to take a nap as I haven't slept after 4 AM 'coz Frosty woke me up. Just a few minutes later, our helper came in and brought Frosty. She said Frosty was ran over by our car and she can't walk well... might have broken her leg. I looked at Frosty and she looked in pain but she didn't really cry. she moved towards the place where she usually sleeps, just right beside my bed. She laid there as she was in pain. I didn't know what to do, I called up my husband. Told him Frosty's in pain, might have broken her leg. Then, Frosty looked at me and I saw blood rushing out of her mouth. I started crying, shouting in disbelief. As I was talking to my husband I couldn't help myself. I became hysterical. Then, she died... Just about 2 minutes after she was brought in to be with me, she died. I knew she was dead because she started to pee. I cried so hard, I lost my constant companion, my best friend. Husband tried to comfort me, my sister who our helper called up tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop crying. I just lost my dog... I could not believe it, until now I couldn't believe it. Frosty's gone. She's really gone.

After awhile, I had to stop crying because I am putting my baby in danger by being so emotional. I had to put all my pain aside because I cannot afford to jeopardize my baby and have early labor. That time I started feeling pain in my abdomen and I started experiencing cramps. I got nervous, I immediately lied down and rested. I automatically stopped crying though my heart was in so much pain. It was at this moment that I realized it's so damn hard to be pregnant. I couldn't grieve for my baby Frosty. I feel it's so unfair, she deserves my grief but I can't grieve too much. But, I know Frosty understands. I loved her so much and I never failed to make her feel that. I cuddled her every time I can and I made her feel so loved. I know she's happy now together with King Kong who died last year. I lost them both and both deaths were traumatic for me. Still, I'm happy I was able to make their lives wonderful. They were loved and I know they brag about that to other dog souls in heaven.

I've been searching online for proofs or studies about doggy heaven. I know in my heart God welcomed King Kong and Frosty and my previous pets in heaven. They are there and they are all waiting for me to someday join them and pet them and cuddle them all over again.

To my baby Frosty, I loved you so much and I will never ever forget having you as my pet. You comforted me and kept me company when I felt so alone. Goodbye my baby. I love you soooooo much! My heart continues to cry for you. I am just glad your death was quick and you died beside me. I love you.




Saturday, July 3, 2010

Bittersweet days...

Going through a tough time lately. I got lots of disappointments that I took in harshly. I was disappointed with a client who suddenly changed his mind. I was preparing for it then all of a sudden, he just said "never mind" as if nothing's at stake there. I couldn't blame him, clients are always right but I guess I just felt bad about it because I am saving up for my baby and doing everything that I can to give my baby a good future and all that. But, my body is so tired plus with the stress, I just went into seclusion. I wanted to get away from the world and from people... I shut down.

Usually when I get an episode, I don't shut down. But this time it felt very different. I just had too much all at one time. I found out that husband's family is telling a different story about our ordeal last year. I got so angry... very angry then when I decided I wanted to heal, I got another blow. This time with one client... All of this happened in one day and it just became too much for me... too much because my body was already tired and my heart was starting to get very tired as well. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to just disappear... fade away and never come back. And I never felt so alone even with my husband trying to cheer me up and telling me about all the opportunities and blessings that came our way. At that point, everything seemed futile. Nothing made sense... All our hard work, what is it really for? I tend to forget baby D is waiting to take a glimpse of our world and we're the ones who should take good care of her. All these are for her, not for me, so I have to keep on going. But, I was just way too tired... I wasn't able to go on. I dropped and needed to recover and I should recover fast because clock is ticking.

I am still trying to recover from it, trying to regain my strength back. I'm just glad I have a friend here who was willing to keep me company so I could be back to my old self again. For that I am so thankful. I am so blessed when it comes to my friends. But, the happiness is really short-lived. I am lucky in gaining friends but these friends can't stay with me... They all have to be away from me and that's sad. But, I am still blessed I have them in my life and I am even more blessed that they are happy they have me in their lives. Still, I am hoping... Someday I could settle in one place and meet a friend who'll be a friend and a companion for all the days of my life. Someone who I can run to when I need a friend. Someone who'd be physically present when I need someone aside from my husband... Someday... I am claiming that :)

But for now, I must focus on my emotional healing... for my baby who needs mommy.