My heart is bleeding...

I don't know, I'm just scared. Never thought my sisters could have medical problems... I am not sure if there's anything serious to worry about but... I just don't like this feeling. Lord, please give us assurance that all my sisters would be just fine... Give them long lives... Amen.

Enjoy every moment while you can

I'm here for a vacation but my mind is still restless. I feel like I am not doing anything good by not earning as much as I really need to so I could help with the expenses. Oh well, I guess I'm just being self-critical. I'm here to be with my nephew and my family and I should be spending my days and enjoying each moment but why is it that I'm in such a hurry for the days to be done? Then now that I have a few more days left, it's just now that I realize I should be spending more time with them especially my niece and nephews. They are growing up so fast and the next time I'd see them they'd be much bigger.

During my first 2 days I was in dire need of going back to my husband. I couldn't believe I'm here but now I really feel like I'm back home and I feel right at home again... Guess I just have that weird feeling every once in awhile like I just couldn't breathe and I need to go back to my comfy place. But I really have to learn to embrace what I have "now" and not anticipate the future. I don't want to waste my moments because I can't wait for what will happen next.

What if there's nothing to anticipate anymore?

I'm home.... but I don't feel at home anymore

I just arrived this morning. I knew it, I would feel very strange the minute I stepped foot in our house. This just don't feel like home anymore. Sure, it's still my place... This is where I spent most of my life and all that, but I'm starting to get that same feeling again similar to what I experienced when I was still new in Laguna. I was hyperventilating and I just feel like i want to explode! Why do I get to feel this way? I really don't think this is a normal reaction.

I wanna cry and I don't really understand why. Will I feel like this again when I go back to Manila? I was not like this before. What the heck is going on?!!

Negative

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby... Dunno why it's so hard for us to have one when others get pregnant all the time. Why?!!

I've never been this disappointed about it before. The other day, I checked, hoping beyond hope that this time we finally conceived... but it was still negative. I just sat there, staring at the PT with disbelief... another disappointment. I wanted to cry, wanted to get angry, felt like I was imploding. But, I have to accept it. Maybe it's really not the right time. God has reasons that I still can not understand but I know, there is a reason for this.

I'm only human though. As much as I understand that everything happens as God planned it, but I still feel negative emotions when things don't go as I wished it would. Well, I guess we just have to keep trying and get ourselves checked to see what's wrong. Hope nothing's wrong... I can't accept it if we can't have a baby someday :( Pray for us.

It's called faith..

Sometimes it's hard to see where life is taking you. One moment you think everything's going in this direction and within a blink of an eye, everything changed. It can be frustrating but it is now that I know God is testing me with my faith. If I knew where He is leading me, then it's not called faith 'coz you already know what is in store for you. Right now, I just hang on to my faith, 'coz I know I just followed the path that God paved for me. At first I thought I knew where those paths were taking me but right now I'm still left in the dark. But, I am confident and happy 'coz I know God is carrying me. I don't know where He's taking me but I know He won't throw me out in the pit. He's going to lead us to the right direction and He will carry us there just like in the story of footprints in the sand.... I can feel that now... When sometimes I feel God has left me but deep down in my heart I know He never will. Now that I don't see his footprints I know He is carrying me.

God is good. He will always be.

Life has hurdles... You can't run as smoothly as you wish

Just when things started to feel "ok" at the office then all of a sudden this man started to say harsh words to me over the phone over something that is really not my own doing. Yes, I wrote the report but it wasn't my decision to write that. Oh well, it bothered me so much and it feels like water had been splashed over the fire that burns in me to work really hard. Good thing though, my boss is really nice. But, the fire is already gone and I'm no longer happy.

What to do? Am I acting spoiled that over something small I already want to give up on this job? I don't know... I guess I just want a perfect world... a world with not too many bad people around. I can't believe how mean people could be here... I just remember how my friend "J" would feel when she was still working in AMN. Now I feel what she felt then although in my case, my enemy is staying in a far away plant... Still, that incident bothers me up to this day and it angers me. I wish I could have fought with him and not act educated so he could taste what it feels like to fight with Lila. But... I know that would be unwise. Oh well, right now I'm just hanging in there so to speak. Just waiting for the day that I could finally resign...

What will I do next when that day comes? I don't know. :( I don't want to look for a job again... I'll hopefully have enough cash to start a biz... that would be the better life for me, I guess. I don't really know anymore. I just don't feel like I'm really up to being an employee. It's such a bummer!

If there's anything that I am most grateful for it's this...

Life is hard no matter what but I am thankful for the fast-paced life I have now. Now I'm always busy and although that's not always a good thing but it turns out to be a great pill for my life-long battle of confusion and peaceless mind. I'm always worried about certain things and I get easily depressed but so far I haven't felt the same depression that I used to have, at least not on the same level as before.

For that I am really glad and I feel so blessed now. Whenever I feel nervous about projects, I just leave it as is and it's not as bad as I have imagined it. Projects kept coming and now I no longer have to worry about finances. Slowly we are gaining back what we have spent and it's such a good feeling to go positive once again. The more I recall the past experiences, the more I realize that God was pulling me away from what could have been bad decisions in my life. God is a good God indeed and although sometimes it feels like His help or redemption comes a bit too late but I know there is a good reason for everything. I'm such a believer of God before especially when 1 night I had a question about my belief in Him and He came to me in a dream and I was trembling in fear. He was mad at me for not trusting Him and I felt His power- was trembling not because I was afraid but because I was stunned that He answered me to keep me from being confused with my faith. That should have been enough to keep me believing in Him forever but things happened and I doubted Him to the point that I really hated Him. I kept asking why He would let all these things happen to me when I did nothing wrong and never intently hurt another. I've been a good child of God but why did He allow me to suffer that way? I wondered and got really angry at Him but thankfully, with good people around me telling me to continue my faith in Him, that I found my way back to Him again... it wasn't easy but everything fell into place and there's no other possible way I could explain it.

I guess it's time for me to just continue receiving the bounty that God has in store for me. I feel so blessed and I am very thankful for it. If there's anything that I truly wish for now, it's to have a baby ;) but... I guess God won't give it to me yet because it's still not the right time. I'm sure the baby will just come when God thinks it's the right time for us to move another step, a new phase in our lives, and that is to be parents... Hope I could be as loving and strict as our Father and hope I could really teach the Word of God to all my future children.

Hasta mañana 'til we meet again...

Gosh, I completely forgot about this blog. Well, anyway, at least I have something nice to post on my blog again...

Met up with Kym in Figaro where she works 'coz my hubby would have his interview just a walk away from the place. Texted Jodie to come but there was no assurance that she can but thankfully, she made it! Yay! I miss my siobe so much and she knows how much I care for her and I'm happy she made it.

Anyway, here are just a few of the snaps she took using her new phone (heehee) It's one thing I always forget. As much as I want to take pictures, I often get so engrossed with the moment I spend with people that I end up forgetting about picture-taking. ;)

The three of us. Me, Jodie and Kym

With my siobe

Tres marias again

Hug from Siobe

Me and KYM!

me and pangga Kym

Smile!

AMN???

... a new beginning

I'm now here in Laguna. It's been tough but it's really so much fun. I like it here... so peaceful and we're in a safe neighborhood. 1 thing I like about the place is the fact that most of my friends are just nearby. I met up with Daisy who lives a few blocks away, met up with Noreen who worked in Hitachi, met up with bestest friend Shang and her hubby Onan, met up with my chenak Reena and her husband Loi and finally, had our first guest in our apartment- my friend Gucci. Still have a lot of people I want to meet such as Rea, Kat, Greg, Hiede n baby, and Shera. Have lots of friends who live here so yay!!!

I'm happy... although it's still not complete but so far I know we made the right, yet tough, decision. This Saturday we'd be going to Reena's house for an overnight celebration of Alain's birthday which is on Sunday, June 14. That's a Father's Day so we had to push it a day before. He'll cook baby back ribs while he, Loi and Loi's barkada would drink beer while Reena and I will just watch hahaha! It'll be fun!... I hope! ;)

It's not my fault

This is something that I need to internalize and absorb. I feel so stressed out about our situation and I always, always, want to make sure everything will go according to plan. It's not that I feel guilty, but I feel so horrible about the painful ordeal last February. I often end up feeling as if I was the one who caused all of this and that I'm the one who needs to prove myself to people. But, as what they always tell me, this is not my fault.

I am the victim here and I'm not the one who should exert this much effort to get things done. I'm not the one and I need to relax a little bit. But how can I?!!

Going beyond my capacity

I try to put some sense into things but my mind just couldn't figure it out. I am trying to breathe, get some relaxation, unwind, and just forget it all but no matter how I try I just end up failing and going back to my depressive state. I try to look beyond and imagine what the future holds but I am so afraid because I can't see any satisfaction or happiness waiting for me. I can't help but feel scared that this pain, this undying pain inside me, will linger on for all eternity.

Is there hope? Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Can I still truly smile again?

The Thought Of You...

Everyday I can't stop thinking about our dog Kingkong. I loved him so much and we spoilt him a lot. Until now I still can't believe he is indeed gone. I had dogs in the past but I usually cry once and get on with my life, don't know why now it's a different story. I cry every night. Not just some tears flowing but, I really cry. When I look at his photos, it feels like I'm stabbing myself over and over again. It hurts so much! Maybe it's because we considered him as our baby and not just a dog. He was my companion and he stays with me all the time. Where I go, he goes... When I sleep, he sleeps just under the bed next to me and I can always hear his snore. Now, none.

Last night I carried Frosty in my arms... I know someday she, too, will leave me. I took a closer look at her, saving the image of her in my memory. I hugged her and enjoyed her doggy scent. I love Frosty too and when it was Frosty who once fought for her life, I cried so hard and couldn't stop worrying about her. But, she fought for her life and she's still with me now. I treat her as my baby too and when it's her time to leave me, I know it will stab my heart again... I am just trying to be ready for that day, by feeling her and making sure I truly experienced being with my doggy.

I guess, same thing should be done to people too. You really don't know when they will leave you for good. Whether they'd die or they'd just leave you and you'll never see them again. You'll never have your moment with that person and you'll only regret it. I would want to have my own little moments with the people who are really special to me. I want to store that memory in my mind... the more special the memory, the better. I want to recall that memory over and over again whenever I miss the person because I know, it's only I who shared that memory with that person. At that moment it's just me and that person and we're the only ones sharing that moment... and it's a memory worth cherishing forever.

Good or BAD

I keep telling myself and other people that I'm really not a bad person. That I am really a good person. But, being good or bad is really just a tag. You can call yourself a good person because you think you are naturally good but fact is, we are all naturally good and naturally BAD or EVIL at the same time. It just depends on which side you choose at that particular moment in your life.

Do you want to be tagged as a good person or do you want to be tagged as bad?

Maybe I am generally a good person but as of the moment, I choose to be tagged as BAD because I refuse to follow what my conscience dictates. Will I choose the good tag again? Of course! But not at the moment.

Having an Enemy

It's really easy to love a person but I never thought it's really hard to hate another person. Hate is such a strong emotion that it consumes you. I never really had an enemy in my life but now. It's a weird feeling really. I hate that person(s) so much but deep inside me I feel it's wrong. Like, I know that person also has feelings and I feel bad that I have this hatred against that person(s). I feel... guilty. Weird, huh?

I am just not used to this feeling. I sometimes imagine that person(s) crying, in pain 'coz of what had transpired. I feel happy imagining that but at the same time it makes me sad. I don't want to cause another person pain... I really don't... but they caused me tremendous amount of pain that I just can't let them feel victorious over me again.

It's an emotional struggle for me to hate another human being. But, they put this on to themselves. They caused this and not me. I am just being true to myself. I was hurt, humiliated and broken. I just don't want them to be a part of my life again and that means they do not deserve my forgiveness and forgiveness I will not give them.

Unless, they say sorry to me. Which, I know will never ever happen. But, if they would, I'd forgive them in a heartbeat.

I dream of being a princess on my own fairy tale...

I used to believe in fairy tales... They always face hardships and in the end they have their happy ending and everybody's happy except for the villains, of course.

I no longer believe in fairy tales. I realized they just live in books and movies but not in real life. I am stuck with the hardship part but, there is no happy ending waiting for me.

What would make you remember me?

I just got inspired to write this blog entry by one statement that a very good friend of mine said to me last night. She said things remind her of me and I'm thought of on a regular basis. Aww, that's enough to melt anybody's heart, right? It did mine. And I thank you J for being such a sweet and loving friend. You are always thought of as well. :)

Anyway, it made me also come up with a list of things and dates that may send a "Lila" shockwave to my friends and family whenever I'm already gone and I want to share them here.

1) Pork and Beans- When I was a little girl, mom and dad would be sending us balikbayan boxes from the states and there they always add at least 3 giant pork and beans cans just for me. When dad left us, I was just a year old I think and when mom left, I was like over 2 years old already. Was still a fat kid then but when they left us, my weight dropped rapidly and I came from being this fat and cute little baby to an almost malnourish-looking kid. LOL! Maybe it's the effect of suddenly losing your parents and doesn't understand why. Anyway, they made sure they bring me pork and beans 'coz that's the only food I liked to eat... And I really liked it. In fact, there is not enough supply just to feed me. LOL! When they decided to go home instead of continuing their plan of taking all of us there, they came home with lots of balikbayan boxes still and they had pork and beans cans inside as well... for me. I may have outgrown those pork and beans that I didn't eat them anymore. Maybe, mom & dad were upset that they weren't able to actually see me eat those pork & beans that they regularly sent just for their little girl... Up until now, when mommy sees me eat pork & beans, she'd always say that that's what they would always put in those balikbayan boxes for me... Aww...

2.) My birthday- Of course, it's my birthday!

3.) My guitar- I've been playing my guitar for over 6 months now. It's an on and off thing but since I'm the only one in our family who really wanted to learn how to play an instrument, this will definitely remind them of me. For sure when they hear somebody else playing the same songs that I usually play, they'd say "Lila used to play that all the time." Then they would start to cry. ;)

4.) My mugs- I liked collecting mugs. I was fascinated by them and I still am although not the same way as before. Most of the mugs we use at home are mine but I now share them with my family since mom never really cared whose mugs those are, she just grabbed one she liked and that used to REALLY upset me. Grr!

5.) Computers- This is because whenever they have problems with the computer, they always shout my name as if I'm a technician who can fix just about any PC problems there is! I do try and I usually succeed but it kinda get so annoying that they became dependent on me that they don't even dare troubleshoot it themselves. If I am gone, they have no one to call when there's a PC problem anymore and that would really imbalance them here. I know that for sure.

6.) My room- Why, I stay here most of the time and when they need to look for me it's the first place they check. LOL! I think you can capture most of my energy from this room.

7.) Frosty- She's my only remaining dog... She's mine... all other dogs here are my sister's.

8.) The 23rd- Alain would remember me every 23rd of the month. We used to celebrate this every month but I asked to stop celebrating it since that incident on February that deeply wounded me. I no longer want to celebrate this day 'coz it's also the day that my heart got deeply broken. Nonetheless, it's an important day in our relationship... both good and bad.

9.) My portfolio- It's in my computer and I kept some of my written articles. They are not to be published again, of course. But I just want to track down the number of articles I already wrote. I have this "Lila" folder on my desktop and my sisters don't bother opening that since they know there's nothing interesting there. But, maybe, when I'm gone they would be curious enough to see what's in there. I remember, the night before we attempted something bad... I left a goodbye letter in that folder... explaining everything and telling them I love them a lot... Good thing we changed our minds that day and I was happy to delete that file when I got back home.

10.) Lastly, this blog. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to put up an online blog in the first place. It's my memory... People can open their browser, type in this address and start to feel me... I posted all my up's and down's here and hope they'd have hours and hours of reading time as they browse through each entry. I reveal my soul in this blog and it's what I want to leave behind to the people who cares and loves me. I don't just want to share the good side of me here, I want to share the bad as well. It's not all about happy memories, but I write all my pains as well. This blog is a reflection of me.

The Noose!

So tempting!

Again, I am not in my best state. Depression sinks in once more, over the same problem that continues to torture me. I wonder if this is something that I deserve. Maybe I've done something really horrible (of course I am not err-free) that God wanted to punish me this way. I'm wrapped with confusion once again. Don't know what's the right thing to do and which plan should I push through.

I am planning on leaving for Cebu by next month but it's still just a plan. When I'm there I don't ever want to go back to my life here. I am tormented here. Life sucks here. I'm wounded and the wound is so deep that recovering from it may be impossible. I just want to break free.

Nothing's going the way I want. I'm just getting more and more upset each day that I don't see any glimmer of hope in my future. I just don't understand why I have to go through this. And, I feel so alone. Am I alone in this fight? I really feel that way... He is there, trying to help me but he seems to be adding more to my pain. His efforts are useless and I end up putting him down, making him feel like such a loser. I don't mean to do that... But, I am just being bitter and honest. I am in pain and I don't deserve this. This should be his problem and his alone. Why did I suffer such humiliation? Why did he let me suffer this way? Why wasn't he able to protect me from them? How will he be able to protect me in the future then?

I feel so lost and wasted. I wish I could drink until I get so drunk! I feel so angry and bitter and remorseful. I just hate my life right now. Nothing can seem to fill my heart anymore. I need some joy back in my life... some reasons for me to be happy. But, what is there left for me?

Why?

There are moments in life
When you just want to explode
When things stopped making sense
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in life
When you just want to cry
When the pain is unbearable
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in my life
When it’s hard to hold on
When sanity is slowly drifting
And I just can’t stop asking “why?”

I kept on asking “Why?”
“Why me?” “Why this?”
But I never got any straight answer
And they just say “There’s a reason why”

Everything has a reason they say,
Why good people are killed,
Bad people live full lives,
Young people perish without a cause,
And so on and so on…

But they say it’s all in God’s plan,
What is His plan really?
But, there is no point in asking
For I know I won’t get any real answer
Only that “There is a reason why”

The simple things I want...

Life can be really chaotic and people work hard because we are programmed to work hard. If we won't work then we have nothing to eat and there's no money to pay the bills. I've been quite busy lately too and feeling kinda lonely... Life's not how it used to be and somehow, I have learned to accept it. Guess I am slowly moving on.

I just started thinking about the things that I want in life and I come to realize that there are lots of things I want and wanna do that are really simple but unfortunately, it's not something people would accept seeing me doing these things but maybe, just maybe, I can do it someday.

Here are just a few of the things I really want to experience...

1. fly a kite- I always dreamed of flying a kite but for whatever reason it just doesn't seem "proper" for me to even fly a kite. I used to remember our helper, he made this kite and he flew it and I was so amazed by it. I held on the nylon thread for a moment too and it was fun. After that, I wanted to fly the kite but they told me I shouldn't coz it's embarrassing to run around trying to fly the kite in our village. LOL! But, who knows? Maybe someday I can fly a kite on my own.

2. Buy delicious-looking and smelling juice sold by street vendors. I remember once I smelled those juice while I was passing by and they smell really nice but I was told never to buy street foods especially those juices because they are dirty. Alain on the other hand is a guy who doesn't care where he buys food and he got amoeba for that! Now that we're a couple, he is not allowed to buy street foods too but deep down, I am envious because I haven't tasted those. Maybe someday I can?... Maybe not.

3. Go to city fiestas- I am 26 years old but I've never really been to a fiesta before. Don't know what people do during fiestas. Do they all celebrate at home like people celebrate Christmas? I have this image that people open up their doors and allow just anybody to come in and eat with them. Is that how fiestas are held? I wonder... Never been to one yet but I sure want to experience a local fiesta someday.

4. Go to local carnivals- There are local carnivals that come and go and I see people really having fun there. They have very simple games and yeah, I've been to those too but I just don't feel so welcomed by these people. Dunno, just a feeling I guess. But, I also want to enjoy what these simple people enjoy 'coz they look so happy riding those rusted ferris-wheels and riding those scary-looking rides that are scary because of the rusted metal that holds their dear life. LOL!

5. Play street games like patintero- As a kid I usually just sit on one corner and watch my friends play. They all look so happy but I never really played those games. As a young kid I already am quite vain because I didn't want to sweat while I'm in school and go home with dirt all over my uniform. If I could just turn back time, I'd really go back to that moment and instead of just watching them play, I'd join them. I never got to enjoy my childhood... I always felt off as a kid. Didn't feel like I was a kid actually, was too mature for my age. Now they say I am quite immature as I enjoy going to arcades and playing games there religiously. Well, what can I say? Never too late to start enjoying, right? At least now I don't mind sweating a little even in public. I used to hate sweating because it feels... dirty LOL!

Also, I remember seeing pictures of former "companions" enjoying themselves while they went out and swam on a lake. I imagined that lake is also visited by carabaos (LOL) but they all look so happy. I wonder, 'coz knowing myself I wouldn't dare swim there but maybe... just maybe... it'll be fun too. But I also know that I just wouldn't fit in with their group. I never did really... I tried but I just don't belong to their world.

Maybe people just couldn't enjoy the best of both worlds. No matter which side you're in, there are times really that you would feel like an outsider looking in and just say, I wish I could do that too or I wish I can have that too. People are just never satisfied.

So what have I been up to?

I'm on a moving-on stage and so far, I am not that successful. LOL Well, I don't think I can really move on in the sense that I don't think I can actually forgive those people who did me wrong. Anyway, this post is not about that but about my guitar playing.

I'm so happy! I can play some songs now, at least those with chords that I already know... the basic ones ;) I love playing guitar now as it is so relaxing and fun. When I don't write articles, I either play poker, runescape or I practice playing my guitar and all these activities are done in my room. Yes, I stay in my room most of the time. I just go out to eat and watch a bit of TV when I need a breather. Pathetic, huh?

Well, at least I'm earning! LOL Guess this is how I try to move on... by staying IN.

Scientific Laws vs. Death

"Energy Can Not Be Created Nor Destroyed." or e=mc^2

Also,

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."


These are scientific laws by Newton and Einstein and if I try to think of it and compare it to a person's life, it only drives me to the conclusion that indeed there is life after death. What is the opposite and equal reaction of death? It's life, right? Our soul is energy so when we die that energy is neither created nor destroyed so even though it won't be the same energy but it's still there, just converted into something else.

They say our energy is converted into heat which is then used by insects and larvae as they eat our flesh and use our bodies as their maternity ward but for me, it goes far more than that. We leave our body but our soul is in itself an energy that goes some place else. Does it go straight to God? I sure hope that is true but even though we can't really conclude on this, it still feels great knowing that when we die our soul or energy or whatever you call it would go some place else.

My ninang died, my most loved dog died and a famous filipino rapper just died. I wonder how many people are mourning the same way I do right now. I'm intoxicated with pain right now. First, my wedding got... well, cancelled then I lost my favorite ninang then the dog who is always beside me and keeps me company died. I must say his death deeply affected me in ways that people can't understand. I couldn't understand it either. He is just a dog really but why such an impact in my life? Maybe it's because I am already going through a lot and I named him as one of the reasons in this world that should make me happy and all of a sudden, even he left me.

Just thinking about Newton's and Einstein's Laws give me hope somehow. I know my ninang is somewhere and my favorite dog is somewhere now as well. It's better to think of them just moving to a different phase but are not totally gone. I would like to hold on to them, not so they won't be free, but so I could wish them a good journey to the other life.

To my Ninang Mila, you left us so sudden but we know you are happy now. You lived a full life and you showed us the true meaning of being a Christian. You lived a Christian life and I know you are now with our Creator in heaven. To my baby Kingkong (aya Kingkong)- me, Alain and your siobe Frosty would always remember you and love you. I still cry every time I see your picture or video but I know we gave you the best life we possibly could give you. We pampered you, feed you with the best foods, gave you Yakult, spoiled you, loved you and made you feel special. In your short life I know you were happy and that gives me comfort.

I can't believe you're gone...

Rest in Peace my baby.

A Tribute to my baby... KingKong

Kingkong, your death was so sudden that we were not prepared. I admit, I was at fault, has taken you for granted that day because of all the chaos but I never thought it would end your life. I am so sorry my baby. Your death pains me so much. I could not believe our baby is now gone. The thought of you still brings me to tears. I loved you so much... too much. Alain and I will miss you and will always remember you. I loved you, I still love you and will always love you. No dog can replace you.

Rest in Peace, my baby :'''''''''''''''''(

Tribute to my Ninang Mila

My Ninang Mila died this morning due to cardiac arrest. It was very shocking as she only had fever and loose bowel movement yesterday. Was supposed to talk to her yesterday and apologize because my wedding won't push through. She was my "ninang sa binyag" and she was supposed to be one of my "ninang sa kasal" as well. A couple of nights ago she called me up and asked what happened. I explained to her and she said I can just go to her if I need any comfort or help. I appreciated it. She's the only ninang I had who gave me gifts every Christmas until I reached 18. I love my ninang Mila. I do. She lives just across our house and she's a very caring woman.

I didn't get enough rest the past days and this morning I was awakened by this shocking news. I feel sad... I loved my ninang Mila and now all of a sudden she's gone. If only I knew about her condition I would have asked them to bring her to the doctor yesterday when it was still not too late. All the what if's but, I didn't know any better. No one did. Maybe it's just really her time. It's sad that she even had her gown made in preparation for my wedding. Maybe now that's what she'll be wearing for her final resting place. I'm sad and very shocked. She's the closest person in my heart who died. And it's so sudden. And during this very hard ordeal in my life. Maybe she'll be my guardian angel. Maybe what she said to me, the last words she said to me, would remain true even until now. That maybe I can still go to her if I need comfort and when I need help... just maybe, she said those words for a reason. I dunno... maybe I am just being emotional here. I am just thankful that her death was swift... not too painful. I just feel bad for the husband though. They already accepted that he'd be the first to go since he is, well, dying. But, who would've thought she'd go first. Who would have thought?

My ninang Mila is like my second mother and I will forever remember her and will always have a place in my heart. She always had... she always will. Goodbye ninang... Have a happy journey back to our home...

My heart is empty

I feel like a big chunk of my soul is lost. Letting go is so hard but it's what I had to do. There won't be a wedding anymore because of what's happening. I just feel so alone this time. I have friends who are offering help and I appreciate that but I still feel so alone.

I don't know what God wants me to learn from all these. I can't believe I have to experience such pain. Why me? Why let me go through with this? Why me? I am not strong enough. I can't handle problems as easily as some people, I succumb right away. Yeah, maybe they're right. I am still immature. I still can't handle situations well but, who could handle such problems as the ones I am facing? It's so easy to judge me but be in my shoes and tell me, how does it feel?

I feel so choked, I feel so lost, I feel so angry and I hate my life. I do. I hate my life but life has to go on even despite everything. I just want to know what God wants me to learn. I just want to know what good will this do for me in the future. What?!!

I am keeping my faith. I am trying so hard to be back on track and walk hand in hand with God again but it's just so hard. I am slowly losing grip once more but I am not letting go. Not this time... Not anymore. I just hope that He is helping me do the right thing. I hope I am doing the right thing. I don't want to worry anymore, I feel so drained that I can't worry anymore. I want to be happy, just want to be happy. Is that really too much to ask? Why is happiness so hard to achieve? I am not asking much but just a normal life, a life where we could be free, but why is it so hard for me to have?

I need prayers and not pity so please don't feel sorry for me.

Just another ordinary day...

Saying goodbye is hard. I just want to say thank you to all who made life worth living for me. I love my friends and my family a lot but, sometimes, people have to make decisions in their lives.

Have nothing much to say here actually. Just that, I needed to make a new post here. To those people that I love, let me just say this to you. I love you all very much. Don't think I don't. Don't think I'm selfish. I'm not. I just need to do some things because there's no other way...

And the point of this post is?

Well, as it turns out, I may not leave Bacolod after all. Although I still want to push for my plans but, with the way the economy is going right now I think that plan would have to be postponed or cancelled.

I've been pushing and pushing for things to happen to my life that they end up happening quite the opposite of what I wanted. It can be very disappointing but I believe it's because it's really not meant to be. I can't say it's because I believe I should leave everything to God. I mean, yeah I believe in Him but I don't think I should just let Him decide everything for me. If that's the case then there's really no point why He gave us brains, right? This is not a religious post, mind you. It's just that I get so disappointed in myself sometimes when I don't get what I wanted or planned but now I finally admit that it's time for me to take the back seat. I'll just let everything slide because people around me are getting dizzy with my on and off plans. I am quite dizzy too but it's just that I want to be practical before I take the plunge.

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On another note, I just found out that Oprah Winfrey does not believe in God. I don't think she really is an atheist but more of, she worships herself. I can't actually debate with her belief because she has some points too that you can only depend on yourself and if you want anything, it's only you who can make it come true. I am actually agreeing to her in that sense but I don't think it's still right to worship yourself and reject the idea of onethat there is a God. I am just amazed that the most powerful woman in the world (based on my own opinion) actually does not believe in God and she gets a lot of respect from the society and she has a lot of money. Religious people would say, if you are not with God then you are nothing. Well, Oprah is not with God but she has everything so doesn't that just contradict what those religious people say? Of course I am not being sarcastic about religion here but then, I think I also have a point there. I just think that we really are the ones in control of our lives. If we fail and we feel miserable in our lives then it's only ourselves who are to be blamed. We make our own reality and if you're not happy with your life then you can't go and blame God for that 'coz it's you who made yourself that. Oprah believes that too and look at her now. She made herself that way that's why she is that. I think we should also learn from Oprah although I don't acknowledge the kind of religion she is trying to teach the society (although I know I sound like a believer already). The fact is I do believe in God and although I may be really angry at Him sometimes but I can not deny my faith in Him. Not an Oprah or any other person can make me do that.

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I recently got this new idea for a business (again) and this time I am really thinking of trying it out too. After the detergent biz that actually was taken away from me, I now want to create my own brand of scents. Yes, I want to make scents... colognes, perfumes, etc. I am so fascinated by this because it may seem like a simple chemistry but the magic really comes in mixing the right scents to create a great and unique fragrance. I don't want to copy any fragrance because that will make my brand look cheap. I want to create my own new fragrances and sell them. I am so excited but I need a lot of money to put up this biz. I don't want to use cheap oils, I want the expensive ones! hehe! Oh well, wish me luck! I really want to start this new biz!


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Been sick for 6 days now and I'm still counting. I don't know why I got this sick but I really hate this feeling. I can't do anything much as I easily get tired and I just want to rest. My throat hurts now and I'm still very dizzy. I just hope that I'll feel better soon. Gosh, I'm getting married in less than a month! I suddenly feel butterflies in my tummy. Whew! Hopefully I won't faint! heehee!

That's it for now. I wasn't able to post much the past month and I may not be able to post another blog entry any time soon so might as well post everything I can think of right now! ;)

After all the drama, I'm finally getting married

Well, I was really depressed for weeks but now I feel much better. After all that had happened, at least we are still pushing through with the wedding. I'm glad everything worked out for the better and this actually taught me a lot of things.

1. My sisters love me so much and they'll do everything to protect me from harm
2. Dad loves me a lot too
3. I should not be angry at God whenever I feel like life is so unfair
4. I have friends who really care for me
5. I should not keep my problems to myself.

It's a painful ordeal but won't talk about it here. hehe! But, I learned lessons from it and I have moved on from it. I just thank God that He helped us through the ordeal. Finally, our wedding will push through. Yep, I am getting married in a church! :) I'm so happy!

Something Borrowed, Something New, Something Old, Something Blue...

I am making a new blog entry here simply because I feel the need to. The start of the year is pretty tough for me. I thought the New Year will bring something better for me but, here I am, feeling even more miserable and hopeless.

I'm still trying to be hopeful. Not that I am still hoping things will turn out better but I am hoping to be stronger. Got to face the fact that I need to be much stronger if I want to survive this life. God's throwing me huge stones and I am already starting to feel the pain of each throw. Maybe everything's just accumulating or maybe I'm just hoping that He'd stop throwing me these heavy stones because I already threw in the towel but, maybe He just wanna test me to my limits. Or maybe, He wants me to write my own story and send it to MMK so Charo could share it to all Filipinos *giggles*. I really don't know what His plans are for me but I'd rather stop being angry at Him for all of these things that are happening right now. I'd rather just be numb about it for now or at least try as much as I can to just not think about my problems but sometimes, I just feel so sorry for myself. Why the hell am I experiencing these dramas in my life? Why?!!

There's too much hurt already that lately I wish every day that God would just take me away. I wish for an accident or maybe for me to just not wake up 1 morning. I just feel so fed up with the world but I can't just take my own life... but maybe if there will be more pain, I might end up just doing that. Of course, I am just saying this.

Anyway, I am just venting. I need a way to let this out as I don't want to experience what I experienced last night. I think I hyperventilated or something. Maybe it was an anxiety attack, I dunno... just doesn't feel nice. It totally freaked me out! Wait, maybe I was just freaked out and 'coz I was freaked out then I got freaked out by being freaked out? Err... Now I'm confused!

My hand hurts but I love it...

Kept banging the wall today, was so angry that I had to let out some steam. I can't shout, that'd be too scandalous so instead I ended up hurting myself again. I banged the wall with my hand until it was really red. It hurts so much but I like it 'coz it made me cry. I needed to cry... I am in so much pain and I feel so angry. Nice way to start the new year, huh? I really lost all hope now... hitting rock bottom isn't a good feeling.

I am horribly depressed right now, feel like life is really so unfair. Don't know what awful thing I've ever done in my life that I am punished like this. I know I did something bad too but is this my punishment? This is just too much! I am so angry at the world, I am so bitter and frustrated. I was already barely hanging on but I never thought it'll end to this. This is even worse than before. This is not how I wanted to happen, I imagined this to be a happy moment in my life but no, it's the most horrifying experience in my life and I just want the world to stop... to just end. I want to vommit in great disgust over what my life ended up to be, I can't believe all these and it's all really happening to me. It's not just a sad story from a movie, it's really happening to me and it left me bitter, angry, resentful, deranged and I don't know what else... unspiritual?

I think I need to hurt my hand even more, I still need to vent even more. I need to cry more and I need to get away from my reality even just for awhile. Life is full of crap, it's amazing how my life turns to the worse and worse and worse, the evil train just doesn't wanna stop. I hope one night my life will just be snatched away from me and I can't wake up. I've never been this angry my entire life. Nice welcome to 2009... so nice!

What a nice 1st post for the year.