What would make you remember me?

I just got inspired to write this blog entry by one statement that a very good friend of mine said to me last night. She said things remind her of me and I'm thought of on a regular basis. Aww, that's enough to melt anybody's heart, right? It did mine. And I thank you J for being such a sweet and loving friend. You are always thought of as well. :)

Anyway, it made me also come up with a list of things and dates that may send a "Lila" shockwave to my friends and family whenever I'm already gone and I want to share them here.

1) Pork and Beans- When I was a little girl, mom and dad would be sending us balikbayan boxes from the states and there they always add at least 3 giant pork and beans cans just for me. When dad left us, I was just a year old I think and when mom left, I was like over 2 years old already. Was still a fat kid then but when they left us, my weight dropped rapidly and I came from being this fat and cute little baby to an almost malnourish-looking kid. LOL! Maybe it's the effect of suddenly losing your parents and doesn't understand why. Anyway, they made sure they bring me pork and beans 'coz that's the only food I liked to eat... And I really liked it. In fact, there is not enough supply just to feed me. LOL! When they decided to go home instead of continuing their plan of taking all of us there, they came home with lots of balikbayan boxes still and they had pork and beans cans inside as well... for me. I may have outgrown those pork and beans that I didn't eat them anymore. Maybe, mom & dad were upset that they weren't able to actually see me eat those pork & beans that they regularly sent just for their little girl... Up until now, when mommy sees me eat pork & beans, she'd always say that that's what they would always put in those balikbayan boxes for me... Aww...

2.) My birthday- Of course, it's my birthday!

3.) My guitar- I've been playing my guitar for over 6 months now. It's an on and off thing but since I'm the only one in our family who really wanted to learn how to play an instrument, this will definitely remind them of me. For sure when they hear somebody else playing the same songs that I usually play, they'd say "Lila used to play that all the time." Then they would start to cry. ;)

4.) My mugs- I liked collecting mugs. I was fascinated by them and I still am although not the same way as before. Most of the mugs we use at home are mine but I now share them with my family since mom never really cared whose mugs those are, she just grabbed one she liked and that used to REALLY upset me. Grr!

5.) Computers- This is because whenever they have problems with the computer, they always shout my name as if I'm a technician who can fix just about any PC problems there is! I do try and I usually succeed but it kinda get so annoying that they became dependent on me that they don't even dare troubleshoot it themselves. If I am gone, they have no one to call when there's a PC problem anymore and that would really imbalance them here. I know that for sure.

6.) My room- Why, I stay here most of the time and when they need to look for me it's the first place they check. LOL! I think you can capture most of my energy from this room.

7.) Frosty- She's my only remaining dog... She's mine... all other dogs here are my sister's.

8.) The 23rd- Alain would remember me every 23rd of the month. We used to celebrate this every month but I asked to stop celebrating it since that incident on February that deeply wounded me. I no longer want to celebrate this day 'coz it's also the day that my heart got deeply broken. Nonetheless, it's an important day in our relationship... both good and bad.

9.) My portfolio- It's in my computer and I kept some of my written articles. They are not to be published again, of course. But I just want to track down the number of articles I already wrote. I have this "Lila" folder on my desktop and my sisters don't bother opening that since they know there's nothing interesting there. But, maybe, when I'm gone they would be curious enough to see what's in there. I remember, the night before we attempted something bad... I left a goodbye letter in that folder... explaining everything and telling them I love them a lot... Good thing we changed our minds that day and I was happy to delete that file when I got back home.

10.) Lastly, this blog. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to put up an online blog in the first place. It's my memory... People can open their browser, type in this address and start to feel me... I posted all my up's and down's here and hope they'd have hours and hours of reading time as they browse through each entry. I reveal my soul in this blog and it's what I want to leave behind to the people who cares and loves me. I don't just want to share the good side of me here, I want to share the bad as well. It's not all about happy memories, but I write all my pains as well. This blog is a reflection of me.

The Noose!

So tempting!

Again, I am not in my best state. Depression sinks in once more, over the same problem that continues to torture me. I wonder if this is something that I deserve. Maybe I've done something really horrible (of course I am not err-free) that God wanted to punish me this way. I'm wrapped with confusion once again. Don't know what's the right thing to do and which plan should I push through.

I am planning on leaving for Cebu by next month but it's still just a plan. When I'm there I don't ever want to go back to my life here. I am tormented here. Life sucks here. I'm wounded and the wound is so deep that recovering from it may be impossible. I just want to break free.

Nothing's going the way I want. I'm just getting more and more upset each day that I don't see any glimmer of hope in my future. I just don't understand why I have to go through this. And, I feel so alone. Am I alone in this fight? I really feel that way... He is there, trying to help me but he seems to be adding more to my pain. His efforts are useless and I end up putting him down, making him feel like such a loser. I don't mean to do that... But, I am just being bitter and honest. I am in pain and I don't deserve this. This should be his problem and his alone. Why did I suffer such humiliation? Why did he let me suffer this way? Why wasn't he able to protect me from them? How will he be able to protect me in the future then?

I feel so lost and wasted. I wish I could drink until I get so drunk! I feel so angry and bitter and remorseful. I just hate my life right now. Nothing can seem to fill my heart anymore. I need some joy back in my life... some reasons for me to be happy. But, what is there left for me?

Why?

There are moments in life
When you just want to explode
When things stopped making sense
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in life
When you just want to cry
When the pain is unbearable
And you end up asking “why?”

There are moments in my life
When it’s hard to hold on
When sanity is slowly drifting
And I just can’t stop asking “why?”

I kept on asking “Why?”
“Why me?” “Why this?”
But I never got any straight answer
And they just say “There’s a reason why”

Everything has a reason they say,
Why good people are killed,
Bad people live full lives,
Young people perish without a cause,
And so on and so on…

But they say it’s all in God’s plan,
What is His plan really?
But, there is no point in asking
For I know I won’t get any real answer
Only that “There is a reason why”

The simple things I want...

Life can be really chaotic and people work hard because we are programmed to work hard. If we won't work then we have nothing to eat and there's no money to pay the bills. I've been quite busy lately too and feeling kinda lonely... Life's not how it used to be and somehow, I have learned to accept it. Guess I am slowly moving on.

I just started thinking about the things that I want in life and I come to realize that there are lots of things I want and wanna do that are really simple but unfortunately, it's not something people would accept seeing me doing these things but maybe, just maybe, I can do it someday.

Here are just a few of the things I really want to experience...

1. fly a kite- I always dreamed of flying a kite but for whatever reason it just doesn't seem "proper" for me to even fly a kite. I used to remember our helper, he made this kite and he flew it and I was so amazed by it. I held on the nylon thread for a moment too and it was fun. After that, I wanted to fly the kite but they told me I shouldn't coz it's embarrassing to run around trying to fly the kite in our village. LOL! But, who knows? Maybe someday I can fly a kite on my own.

2. Buy delicious-looking and smelling juice sold by street vendors. I remember once I smelled those juice while I was passing by and they smell really nice but I was told never to buy street foods especially those juices because they are dirty. Alain on the other hand is a guy who doesn't care where he buys food and he got amoeba for that! Now that we're a couple, he is not allowed to buy street foods too but deep down, I am envious because I haven't tasted those. Maybe someday I can?... Maybe not.

3. Go to city fiestas- I am 26 years old but I've never really been to a fiesta before. Don't know what people do during fiestas. Do they all celebrate at home like people celebrate Christmas? I have this image that people open up their doors and allow just anybody to come in and eat with them. Is that how fiestas are held? I wonder... Never been to one yet but I sure want to experience a local fiesta someday.

4. Go to local carnivals- There are local carnivals that come and go and I see people really having fun there. They have very simple games and yeah, I've been to those too but I just don't feel so welcomed by these people. Dunno, just a feeling I guess. But, I also want to enjoy what these simple people enjoy 'coz they look so happy riding those rusted ferris-wheels and riding those scary-looking rides that are scary because of the rusted metal that holds their dear life. LOL!

5. Play street games like patintero- As a kid I usually just sit on one corner and watch my friends play. They all look so happy but I never really played those games. As a young kid I already am quite vain because I didn't want to sweat while I'm in school and go home with dirt all over my uniform. If I could just turn back time, I'd really go back to that moment and instead of just watching them play, I'd join them. I never got to enjoy my childhood... I always felt off as a kid. Didn't feel like I was a kid actually, was too mature for my age. Now they say I am quite immature as I enjoy going to arcades and playing games there religiously. Well, what can I say? Never too late to start enjoying, right? At least now I don't mind sweating a little even in public. I used to hate sweating because it feels... dirty LOL!

Also, I remember seeing pictures of former "companions" enjoying themselves while they went out and swam on a lake. I imagined that lake is also visited by carabaos (LOL) but they all look so happy. I wonder, 'coz knowing myself I wouldn't dare swim there but maybe... just maybe... it'll be fun too. But I also know that I just wouldn't fit in with their group. I never did really... I tried but I just don't belong to their world.

Maybe people just couldn't enjoy the best of both worlds. No matter which side you're in, there are times really that you would feel like an outsider looking in and just say, I wish I could do that too or I wish I can have that too. People are just never satisfied.

So what have I been up to?

I'm on a moving-on stage and so far, I am not that successful. LOL Well, I don't think I can really move on in the sense that I don't think I can actually forgive those people who did me wrong. Anyway, this post is not about that but about my guitar playing.

I'm so happy! I can play some songs now, at least those with chords that I already know... the basic ones ;) I love playing guitar now as it is so relaxing and fun. When I don't write articles, I either play poker, runescape or I practice playing my guitar and all these activities are done in my room. Yes, I stay in my room most of the time. I just go out to eat and watch a bit of TV when I need a breather. Pathetic, huh?

Well, at least I'm earning! LOL Guess this is how I try to move on... by staying IN.