Thursday, September 29, 2011

You are just like your mother

I think that mothers have a very huge influence in our lives. I realize that one reason why I remained so bitter is because my mom is feeding me with a bit of bitterness regarding my issues. As much as I want to heal, her influence and my paranoia is a lethal combination that made me stay where I am at now. I want to move on and I hope I can and I hope she could move on too.

Friday, September 2, 2011

It may seem funny but that movie touched me

There was this movie shown on Cinema one with Aiko Melendez and Chinchin Gutierrez. I don't know what that movie is all about because I didn't really watch it. But, my daughter's nanny was watching it and I caught a few glimpse of it. Well, to give a bit of description, Chinchin's character there is very giving but she became very bitter and angry when everything started to crumble in her life. Aiko is her best friend who actually was the reason for all the bad luck in her life (at least that's how I saw it). Anyway, it's the line of Aiko that got me. She said that Chin2x loves others too much but she forgot to love herself first. Her happiness is based on other people and if they don't reach her expectations, she starts breaking down and get disappointed. She said that Chin2x has to love herself first in order to find true happiness and not base it on other people. That she loves others but she also expects something from them in return.

It kinda hit me because I somehow realized I am somewhat similar to Chin's character. I realized I love others more than I love myself and when they disappoint me I get hurt and it takes me awhile to recover. I expect others to fill my need for love when I should be the one to fill it for myself. I realized that if I start loving myself first, things won't affect me so much. People won't always be there for me and they won't always do things in my favor or will make me happy. If I am happy on my own, they don't need to do all those things and I'd still value them just as much. The lines of Aiko was really deep and I think I would remember that for a long time. I need to learn to love myself a lot more and I'm starting that now. I will say I love you to myself every day and I'll protect myself and care for myself just as how I would protect and care for others. It's a big realization for me indeed.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

New life... again

So, I'm back here in Laguna. Chose to move here despite the opposition from my parents who can't simply accept the fact that I am no longer a kid (:P) and I have no regrets. So far I'm quite happy here living with my husband and our baby girl. Our baby is growing so fast and I'm glad I can be with her every single day and see her grow. I am happy now though I know I am still wounded. Finally, I think, I really need to move on. As I think about what had happened in the past and what they have done to me, I realize that there's no point in me ruining my life and not enjoying what I have now. My friend was right, I have so many blessings already and I shouldn't ask God why He is blessing them even though He knows they deeply wounded me... destroyed me, in fact! But, life has to go on. I can choose to just think about what happened and not move forward and eventually regret the lost chances, or I can move on now and simply enjoy the life that I am already given. I now will choose the latter.

I know there will still be issues in the future and they will continue to try and hurt me or talk about me like I'm a big joke but I have no control over that. I guess I just have to let them be. It may take awhile for me to completely forgive them and rub elbows with them again (if ever that would still happen) but I will just move on now. I just have to think of my blessings. I am so thankful that we moved far from them too. Less contact with them, the better. I noticed before when I was still in Mandaluyong I was really happy and at peace with myself. When I returned home, I became so angry again... Anger is not a good feeling to feel and I kept that anger in my heart so I could protect myself from being hurt again. I tried to open up to them but they abused my trust... again! Oh, well. That's their problem now, not mine. But somehow I allowed them to be victorious over me because I kept myself distant and attacked people because I was angry. I no longer want to be angry.

Well, just want to post here again. It's been awhile since I last visited my blog. I do hope that the next blog posts would all be positive- no more hurts, anger and disappointments (fingers crossed). They've done enough. Now it's time to free myself. :)