Love is easier said than proven

I realize it's so easy to say we love people but it's so hard to actually prove it. I myself am guilty of this. I say I love you to people who I don't exactly really love. It occurs to me that love is such a strong word and sometimes we use this word to mean we are comfortable with this person, we like hanging out with this person, we are having fun with this person and so on... But do we really love these people we claim to love?

I am one of the victims as well. When a friend tells me I am loved, I believe it with my heart. But sometimes too, that love is only expressed in words and I'm left with a lot of "clues" that tells me I'm not really loved. Sometimes these people who say they love me only makes me feel like a doormat. They only end up making me feel like I'm not as good as the other persons they also love but I just take it in, shove off the pains, and just continue on believing that I am loved. Well, baby, that old me is GONE.

If I want to make a big change in myself then I have to clean out my closet and throw away all the junk that's burdening me, including people. When I don't feel it's okay then I have to trust my instincts and tell myself over and over again that IT IS NOT OKAY.

There are a lot of people who are still there to make me feel special in their own ways and I can actually feel they love me. I too would need to make that change and avoid saying I love you to people who I only like hanging out with or something. By learning to value what love really means is crucial to create a great relationship with others. I don't want to be the girl who makes others assume that they are a lot more special to me than I can really make them feel because that is just not fair to them as it's not fair for me as well.

The life of a work at home mother acting as a single mom

So I’m back to working at home. I am so thankful to have been given this privilege by my new company to be working at home because I get to spend more time with my daughter and I get to watch her closely and bond more with her. But working at home as a single mother isn’t all that fun as it can get a bit exhausting too because I have a very demanding boss who I love so much and her name is Danica.

So here’s how my life goes day in and day out.

I don’t want to start with the first thing I do in the morning because my day doesn’t start out that way. Let’s just start at around noon because that’s when my day starts right now (but this will change starting next week when my daughter starts going to school but for now let’s begin around noon). Noontime I wake up and start my day with a cup of coffee. I usually don’t eat yet around this time but slowly preparing for my lunch. I start my day really slow and you’ll understand at the end of this blog why. I prep myself to start working and around 2PM usually I’m already doing some work. As much as I want to focus on work, I can’t. Why? Because my little 3 year old, and sometimes with her cousins, would barge in my room and make a mess or would beg me to move so they could use the laptop. It can drive me crazy sometimes but what can a mother do, right? So basically the whole day I do my work less than I wish I could and more with getting myself insane dealing with a very active little girl. It pays though whenever she’d come to hug me and kiss me and tell me I’m the best mom in the world.

At night I usually get to work for longer hours and I love working at night because it’s more peaceful. I try to tuck my daughter to bed as early as possible but usually she’d fall asleep around 10 or during unfortunate evenings, around 11 or 12! If she is really exhausted then she’d fall asleep easy but when she isn’t then I need to do a lot of convincing and we spend a long time with storytelling before she’d doze off. By the time she’s asleep I’m also feeling a bit tired but I still need to work. I usually work until around 3am and I’d quickly try to get some sleep by then. Oh just to add, sometimes when I work at night I would still go and check up on her whenever she’s moving during her sleep because she would sometimes get nightmares. I’d rush to her so she’d stay asleep. Waking her up would be a disaster because she’d stay awake until dawn!  Usually around 5am she’d wake up and ask me for milk. Sometimes when she sees there’s sunlight she’d force herself to wake up and demand that I’d wake up too because she was told that night time is for sleeping and day time is for waking up so I should wake up. Considering I just fell asleep and groggy, that is just impossible so I still have to convince her some more that I need to sleep. Sometimes she’d keep on talking to me after I take off her diaper until she can already go out and be with her yaya. I try to go back to sleep again feeling really groggy. Around 7am or 8am usually she’d come barging in the room trying to wake me up for some petty reasons like she’d talk to me about Peppa Pig or Pink Panther or would tell me her cousin fought with her again. It goes on and on and on until around noontime I get to wake up and I feel like I could just sleep the whole day but I can’t otherwise I’d be tagged as a lazy person. 

That’s my basic regular routine… Add to that the other things I need to do to keep myself sane so I still squeeze in some time to go out and hang out which is one of the great perks of working at home. And although I’m glad to have this job, I also have a job as a writer and got a new task up as well so I am basically working for this company I’m with but also doing some freelance jobs on the side. On top of that, starting June 4 I would have to help prepare for her school which starts 10AM and would help her with her assignments!

Sheesh! And they think being a stay at home mom is the most convenient and laziest job around.

An experience that taught me what love meant and it’s not what I expected

The time came when we had to bid each other goodbye. That time I was heartbroken but felt relieved as well. “I’m free”, I thought to myself. I was traumatized with what happened during our time together and I started to doubt myself if the love I felt was real in the first place or was it merely an illusion. Months passed and I affirmed to myself that it was the best decision I made and that we weren’t really meant to be and it was really just an illusion.

I hated… got angry… then eventually I forgave you. And when I stopped looking at you through my angry eyes I saw what I saw back in the day when love was still pure and life was bliss. I saw in you the man who made me comfortable to just be me. I saw in you the man I fell in love with, who never wanted to see me hurt, who’d run straight to me when I got sick just to give me a bit of comfort. I saw in you the man who was there holding my hand when I was being rolled in the operating room to give birth to our baby and the same man who held my hand trying to be strong when I was rolled in the operating room again and telling me I can do it and to be strong when the doctors tried to fix my heart. That same man who made me feel secure and trembled more for my fears than I did but still tried to comfort me.

I learned through all of these that people do make mistakes and one mistake does not define the person. We need to get rid of our angry eyes and replace it with loving eyes then we’ll come to see the beauty of the people around us. I am glad this happened… God affirmed to me that I was indeed made for you. You who completed me and still completes me… The man who is ever so willing to win me back even knowing that he’d end up taking care of an aching and sick old lady when the time comes. It’s not yet time for us to be together, might take years before we could. But for now I can say, we are for each other. Oh what a love story we have. It’s one for the books!

“As long as two people really love each other, everything will just fall into place.”

What motherhood means to me

It means wanting more for her and less for me.

It means taking delight in watching her sleep and hearing her snore.

It means wanting to protect her even giving my life if needed be.

It means enjoying every little thing she does, every gift she gives- no matter how small, simple or even just imaginary.

It means wanting what’s best for her even if it pains me.

It means learning to say NO even if it makes her say I hate you mom, because I know I have to say NO.

It means leaving my work or other things I do when she says “Mom, please read me a story.”

It means whenever she gets emotional and cries, I too can’t help but cry with her.

It means saying sorry to her when I offend her or make mistakes so she too could learn it’s right to say sorry when you did something wrong.

It means wanting nothing but the best for her but still giving her her options because it’s her life I can only be her guide.

It means loving her, giving her all of me, making her my world even though I know someday she will choose to leave my side.

For me, motherhood is a job that is the most rewarding, most fulfilling, life changing and it’s also the most exhausting and most painful job in the world. If there’s one thing in the world I would never ever regret, it’s by choosing to be a mom.

I am a mom more than I am anything else.

Seeking comfort.

Hello there, blog. It's nice to have you as my company for tonight. It's been a sad day for me. Well, not at first, but ended quite sadly. Can't help but cry.  I was taking care of my lil girl the whole day but unfortunately I got a really bad attach which led me to just stay in bed feeling so weak and having a hard time to get myself up and help out my lil girl who was asking for additional milk. My lil girl is a mature 3 year old and when I told her I really need to rest now, she understood and gave me my space to rest for over an hour... but, I am still not feeling so well. At least I can't be more stressed and strained at this point.  I am sad because I'm still finding it difficult to accept that I do have a bad heart. I am sad because there's so much I want to do with my lil girl and can't do much anymore because of my bad heart. I am so deeply sad because she has to leave me tonight so she could stay with her dad who can better take care of her at this time.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad he offered to help. But, it really broke my heart. I have to give him this time which she should still be with me and my lil girl still wanted to stay here with me... But because I couldn't take care of her tonight I really have to let her go to them. I know she's in good hands and she''d be happy but this is seriously breaking mommy's heart.  I love you so much my lil girl...

Well, just had to get this out of my system. Thanks blog for listening to me. Will try to cheer up now.

100 happy days through blogging

Okay so I have this friend who wanted to start the 100 happy days and instead of posting photos on Facebook, she prefer to start posting on her blog for 100 days. Okay, so 100 blog posts in 100 days sound crazy and tell you, that is really crazy, so she decided to post there weekly. I wanted to join in as well since my blog would surely need some post boost but, just like her, will be posting weekly instead of daily (I just hope I'd make it to the very end of the 100 happy days though, no promises).

So here's the start of my 100 happy days through blogging. Day 1 (week 1)

So last night I was deeply heartbroken. I have this "someone", I prefer to keep this anonymous, who was in need of some enlightenment. Being a shoulder to cry on, being someone to give another some light when your light is starting to get a little bit dim can be quite daunting... But, because of my extreme love for this person, I couldn't let go and just wanted to help out as much as I can.  I'm heartbroken because I feel I didn't do enough to help this person to get rid of the pain and anger inside her heart. I felt I could have done more but I became busy as well and life, well, just had to go on. I reflected on her life 'cos I really could see myself in her, I saw the old me, the most fragile version of me... And I knew she needed help, she needed somebody to lift her spirit up, dust off the dirt and make her go on in her journey. Life can really be painful but it can be a little bit more painful to others while some are blessed to have a pain-free life.

Why did I start off my 100 happy days with something that is actually heartbreaking? It's because I, through God's grace, was able to lift her up to start another day instead of taking pills to end it all. I once was in the same spot and God gave me people and signs that made me able to write this today. So, may God continue to use me for His purpose. I am open to listen to whatever He tells me to do.

100 happy days. Let's count our blessings each day and may we be blessings to others as well.  Happy Sunday!!!

A brief release...

As I looked over my window I could see the deep blue hue of the endless sea meeting the beautiful clear blue sky with a few white clouds that seemed to float over a cushion of a double shaded satin. I sighed and closed my eyes as I envision myself basking in the sun and feeling the warmth of this great big source of life throughout the land. I wanted to get rid of all the pain and rage that hides within me as my soul eagerly cries for me to get rid of all these ill feelings that plagues me and scares me.  As I envision myself in pure nothingness, no worries or pain, my lips started to show signs of a smile.  That short moment, just the view of the sea and the sky, two very opposite entities of this world coming together in my view made me feel a short moment of freedom.  I sipped the hot brew from my cup, looked out my window again before bidding this beautiful view a goodbye to start my day.

What I learned in my life

Life can really be so unpredictable. Things happen that you never thought would ever happen and you’re there and you feel like you’re just watching your life go by in front of you and you’re just a mere spectator having no control over what’s going on. There are times when I feel everything’s going in slow motion and every emotion and actions are magnified but you really couldn’t understand what’s going on. You just feel it, you know it’s real, but you just cannot understand.

I’ve been through a lot of difficulties in my life especially recently. Sometimes I wonder if I ever even learned anything from my past or I’m simply walking in stride and continually making bad decisions in my life. But you know, I really don’t think much about that. I don’t want to be too cautious because I am fearful of what will happen next. Truth is, you’ll never really know.  No matter how much you try to control things and aim to be at your best, things just happen and your world can crumble in a twinkle of an eye.  If there’s 1 thing I learned it is that life is totally unpredictable.

Of course you can try to look back and see all the warning signs and you’d think that perhaps if you did this or that differently, the end result would also be different. Of course we would all think that way because we already know what happened. But then if you really think about it long and hard, if you changed things, would the end result really be different? If different, would it be a “good” different result or an even worse one?  No one can really tell… only God knows for sure.

They say our life had already been written in the Book of Life and everything that’s happening to us was meant to happen. I don’t really believe in this though. God gave us free will to make our choices and we have to suffer or benefit from the results of those decisions.  If it’s all written in God’s book then having free will would’ve been just a lie. God knows our souls and He is always there to guide us, help us through life because it is our life and we’re the ones living it. He watches and guards us and He helps by guiding us to make the right choices. When we cry God cries. When we cheer He cheers with us. When we cry for help with all our hearts, He hears us.  One thing I also learned in life it’s that God is always by my side.

I may still not really completely absorb how my life turned upside down. I may still have a lot of difficulties to face and I don’t even know how to completely be okay but I do know that I will be okay and I will have an even better life because God knows my pain and God knows my willingness to make it better. God is a merciful and loving God that I also know that He already forgave me for my sins and He forgave him for all his sins against me, my family and everyone else affected.

I also learned that there is always a rainbow after the rain. It doesn’t matter how bad that rain is, whether it’s a category 5 storm or just a few drops of rain enough to just wet the land and cause us a bit of a chill. That rain would eventually disappear and you’d see better days.  I learned that these heavy downpours are the ones that make you appreciate life so much more. You won’t see the good in good if you have never seen the bad. It’s these storms in our lives that make us better individuals. Stronger, wiser and more faithful to our God because He alone can truly help us when everything and everyone else just can’t.

I learned that through all the tragedies and hurts of my life, life is indeed beautiful. The more color you add to your life the more vibrant it becomes. We only have 1 life and it doesn’t really matter whether it is filled with pain or joy, what really matters is that we are given this one chance to live, to exist as an individual… our souls having the chance to be righteous and a chance to surrender our lives to the Lord. What really matters is that when our life is over we would see a giant golden gate opening and a grand celebration and cheers that welcomes us back to our home with the Lord. 

Surrender your brokenness to Him and He’ll not only fix you up, He’ll even make you better.  I find joy in knowing that God leads me now.