Preeclampsia got me

I was on my 33rd week of pregnancy when I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Actually, even on my 8th week of pregnancy, my doctor already thought I was in the danger zone because my diastolic was at 90 mmHg. I was on medication since the 8th week but we never really took it seriously as every time I ask my sister to check my blood pressure, it was always normal. It only turns 120/90 when I get to the doctor. I even blamed the doctor's assistant that she doesn't know how to read my blood pressure. hihi But, it's really a good thing that the doctor's assistant spotted 120/90 each time I visit them because the doctor already had a warning that I "may" end up with preeclampsia.

End of June or first week of July, I had a dream. I dreamt of my godmother who died last year. She was looking really pretty and she asked me how her daughter is now then she told me something that really shivered me to the bones. She said, "you and your baby won't make it to the finish line, please be very careful." I tried to ditch the idea that it was a warning from her, but when you dream of something like that and it's concerning the baby inside you, you really can't help but believe that it is true. I thank my godmother for that dream 'coz I became really careful with my pregnancy and little weird feelings I have, I consult and ask about it right away. And, if you know me personally, you'd know that's not something that I would normally do.

On my 33rd week, I first noticed white flashes. I was taking a bath when I suddenly saw flashing lights that was running like ants or spider web. I asked my sis about it but she said I may just be imagining it. So, I didn't really think much about it but I researched, unfortunately it never crossed my mind that it's about my pregnancy. The next day, my hands and feet ballooned. The next day I asked my sis to check my bp and there it was, around 140/90 and it didn't go down, just up. She asked me to stay on bed rest and prescribed me with medications to keep my bp down. That time, my bp was so stubborn, even with medication it kept on going up. That moment was the scariest moment for me, I was afraid because if it won't go down, they will induce me and the baby may not survive. Their main concern that time was for me to survive, and that may mean we need to sacrifice my baby. It was a painful thought... I tried to stay calm because I don't want to aggravate my situation and I prayed hard. I asked for more prayers from people who love me and I tried my best to remain calm. I also had injections for baby's lungs to mature, I think it was methadexone if I am not mistaken.

On my 34th week I had my first attack. I had difficulty breathing like there's water in my lungs. I guess I was already experiencing pulmonary edema that time. It took a few minutes before I went back to normal, but at that time my sister (a doctor) already wanted to admit me to a hospital. I was hesitant and asked for her to give me more time, if I won't get any better then I will accept my defeat. Thankfully, it went away.

At the end of my 35th week I had my second attack. That was the worst experience I've ever had. My face became numb, couldn't breathe well and I think my brain got short-circuited because it was telling me things that I know isn't normal. Like, it was dictating me that I should run around the house! I went to my sis and asked her to check my bp again (Oh, I forgot to add, I've been continually checking my bp every hour since the 33rd week using a digital BP monitor) and it peaked at 150/105. It isn't that high but I have low tolerance and it was already really high for me. My sister already asked me to think about having the cesarian already as what I experienced isn't normal and is already a sign that I am almost at the eclamptic stage, which can be fatal for me. I had no choice but to agree with her that I'd be scheduled for c-section but my soul was crushed. I thought about my baby, what would ever happen to her, will she make it? It was heart-breaking. I went to my doctor the next day and she told me the baby isn't ready yet and they will try to buy me more time for the baby to grow more. I agreed with her and she wanted to reach the 37th week which was a week away that time. My husband already flew in from Manila on that day but we didn't mind 'coz what we really wanted was what's best for baby.

36 weeks and 4 days I had another attack. My BP went even higher, I think around 155/110, and I had a really hard time breathing. It lasted over an hour, not like the previous attacks where I'd feel better just a few minutes after. This one lasted an hour. My sis was already really alarmed and laid down the cards on us. I asked my husband to decide since it's like a lose-lose situation for us. If I won't have the c-section right away, my condition could worsen and might end up with eclampsia and I can die from it and so will my baby. If I'll have the c-section there is no guarantee that she'd be perfectly fine though we are certain she'd be alive already since she's near term, but there's no guarantee if she would ever have complications or not. So, we chose the least problematic option and chose to have the c-section scheduled the next day.

At the hospital that afternoon, the doctor detected my heart rate wasn't normal. I don't know what else was going on but they scheduled me for the c-section at that moment. I had the NST test again for baby and thankfully she was doing just fine inside me and they brought me awhile later to the delivery room. There, I had another attack of sort. I am so thankful my sister was my anesthesiologist and she was talking to me the whole time and asked me to keep on praying and to stay as calm as possible. During the surgery I was talking to her and I was praying and singing praise songs. At one point, my face turned white and I almost fainted but she snapped me out of it. There were times when I was praying and singing in my head when my brain just stopped the prayer and the songs and my sis would remind me to relax and pray, as at that point my heart rate already went abnormally high. Of course I didn't know what was really going on, but I heard her say "doc, she's having an attack already." Awhile later I already felt them pulling the baby out of me and I heard my baby cry for the first time. It wasn't a dramatic moment for me, I didn't feel the attachment right away. I didn't even feel like she was my baby when she was brought to me and I kissed her. They had to bring her out right away though because they said it was too cold for baby. Though I didn't feel the attachment with her, I was thankful she looked safe... At least that's what I thought.

At the nursery, the doctors noticed something was terribly wrong... My baby couldn't breathe. They called up my sister and she left me in the delivery room not knowing what was going on. My sis was heartbroken when she saw my baby trying her best to breathe but couldn't breathe on her own. She saw my mom, sis and husband outside the nursery and she immediately closed the blinds so they couldn't see what was happening inside. She called my husband and told her they are doing their best but baby isn't breathing as what they had hoped for. And if she won't react to the CPAP (don't know if I got it right, it's like pressured oxygen) they would have to tube her with a respirator. She also told him that I was still under observation and haven't been cleared yet because my heart rate went really high during surgery. My husband started to tear, his two girls were in danger that time. I can only imagine the pain and fear my husband felt that time. I still feel for him now that he had to endure such a bewildering experience.

Thankfully, my baby responded with the pressured oxygen and slowly she recovered. She stayed in the NICU for 3 days with tubes in the nose and mouth and lots of stuff attached to her. It was a heartbreaking sight especially for me. I felt I failed her but they reassured me I did the best that I could. But did I? I wanted to take all the suffering as long as she'd be safe and pain-free. But, it's all in the past now. I am just so glad she is fine now. She still have jaundice though because her blood type is B and I am a type O. They said some of my blood went inside her through the umbilical cord during surgery and it resulted to jaundice.

When my baby was brought home, I was very happy. That time I thought I no longer have high blood pressure or will not get it again since I've been having normal BP since the time I gave birth. I was wrong. That night was a sleepless night for me and hubby but we enjoyed every minute of it. The next day though around 5am, I woke up shivering. I was shaking uncontrollably from head to foot, I even bit my tongue accidentally. I was shouting out for my husband but he went outside, in search of food and he didn't hear me right away. When he saw me I was still shaking hard and he ran to me and covered me with lots of blanket and hugged me. I started to normalize after awhile but I think my husband was traumatized! (hehe) He asked my sister about it and she said it's because I also had UTI and they were treating me with antibiotics already because of it. Thankfully it didn't recur but I make sure I keep myself in the safe zone by not abusing my body until they cleared me... just a few more weeks from now.




I promise to dedicate my daughter to God. He gave us our baby despite the danger that she or the two of us wouldn't make it to the end. I am so glad we both survived this ordeal. I suffered from severe and uncontrolled preeclampsia and stayed on complete bed rest for 4 weeks. We both made it out alive. I am not cleared yet as they said I can still suffer from postpartum eclampsia. But, as the time of this writing, I am perfectly fine. I thank everyone who prayed for me and especially for my baby. Prayers can really move mountains. I thank the Lord for giving me the strength when I was already breaking down. I don't know how I made it through and how I was blessed with such a beautiful baby. My heart is so thankful for everyone and especially for our dear Lord who covered us with His blanket of protection and made sure everything would be just fine.

I can now hold my baby, I can smell her, feel her... and she's breathing, smiling, feeding, pooping and doing what all the other normal babies do and I am so happy. My baby is just fine. :) We made it to the finish line!!! :)

questions, doubts, frustrations

I sometimes question God why He is good not only to those who are righteous but even to those that do bad to others. I don't understand it and probably never will. It would be easier to justify to someone that they are doing wrong with how they treat others because they are being punished by God. But how do you justify that to someone who is receiving all sorts of miracles that only God could give when that person only wish for ill things to others or only treat them meanly? I don't understand and I cry to God asking why. Why let other good people suffer so much and they can't even feel Your loving embrace while there are those who do things that are not good and worships money more than You yet you still give them what they pray for? What is the secret ingredient? I don't understand...

I pray that God would change the heart of someone that is close to me. Someone who should have been there for me since I was born and would love me unconditionally and show me how I could lead my life and praise me for the good things I do and with all my accomplishments. Instead this person ridicules me and makes me feel like I can do nothing and that I am being nothing but a disappointment. My life had been miserable and continues to be miserable because of this person's influence in me. How I hate myself because of my paranoia and my constant desire to be praised by them and to not be a failure. It has many drawbacks. I am not contented with my own accomplishments and I hate myself more and more when I cannot reach the goals I set for myself. I am tired of feeling this way and I realize I am not the only one who feels this way... All of us here suffer from this paranoia with varying degrees and I feel for them too. We do not deserve to be imprisoned in this state of mind like we can't do wrong because when we do, we want nothing else but to torture ourselves... and we always do. All of this because this is what had been inculcated in our minds.

Now that we're all grown ups, we have our own plans and we can do whatever we want in our lives. Yet a part of us are still just kids whose legs are tied to the floor and we can't fly no matter how much we want to and, yes, we know we can fly. But something is holding us back and that's something we can never break free from. It's caused by the persons who were supposed to make us feel like we could do anything in this world. Persons who were supposed to show us love and affection.

It is unfair that they are not punished. I do not really desire for them to be punished because I love them dearly but I just hope God will show them that He is not happy with what they have done. Why is this so much to ask?

----And God just answered my question through this video ----

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aut8a-8kY7g

RIP Frosty :''''(

July 15, at around 8 in the morning my dog died.

4 am July 15, I woke up from a crying sound. Frosty was outside the door, crying as she wanted to come in. I woke up and opened the door for my baby Frosty and she went in. She didn't make me sleep anymore, we played and I cuddled her. I made her feel so loved and I liked petting her as she closed her eyes and enjoyed being with me. Frosty was my constant companion. She rarely left my side and I felt like this dog worshiped me and loved me unconditionally. Even when I've been away for a few months, the moment she sees me eye to eye she remembers me and she starts following me around like we've never been apart. I guess that's how unconditional dogs love their masters. She forgave me many times for leaving her months at a time and when we're together again, she pretends like we lost no time.

Past 7 in the morning last July 15, I was still chatting with my sister. I told her I'm going to take a nap as I haven't slept after 4 AM 'coz Frosty woke me up. Just a few minutes later, our helper came in and brought Frosty. She said Frosty was ran over by our car and she can't walk well... might have broken her leg. I looked at Frosty and she looked in pain but she didn't really cry. she moved towards the place where she usually sleeps, just right beside my bed. She laid there as she was in pain. I didn't know what to do, I called up my husband. Told him Frosty's in pain, might have broken her leg. Then, Frosty looked at me and I saw blood rushing out of her mouth. I started crying, shouting in disbelief. As I was talking to my husband I couldn't help myself. I became hysterical. Then, she died... Just about 2 minutes after she was brought in to be with me, she died. I knew she was dead because she started to pee. I cried so hard, I lost my constant companion, my best friend. Husband tried to comfort me, my sister who our helper called up tried to comfort me but I couldn't stop crying. I just lost my dog... I could not believe it, until now I couldn't believe it. Frosty's gone. She's really gone.

After awhile, I had to stop crying because I am putting my baby in danger by being so emotional. I had to put all my pain aside because I cannot afford to jeopardize my baby and have early labor. That time I started feeling pain in my abdomen and I started experiencing cramps. I got nervous, I immediately lied down and rested. I automatically stopped crying though my heart was in so much pain. It was at this moment that I realized it's so damn hard to be pregnant. I couldn't grieve for my baby Frosty. I feel it's so unfair, she deserves my grief but I can't grieve too much. But, I know Frosty understands. I loved her so much and I never failed to make her feel that. I cuddled her every time I can and I made her feel so loved. I know she's happy now together with King Kong who died last year. I lost them both and both deaths were traumatic for me. Still, I'm happy I was able to make their lives wonderful. They were loved and I know they brag about that to other dog souls in heaven.

I've been searching online for proofs or studies about doggy heaven. I know in my heart God welcomed King Kong and Frosty and my previous pets in heaven. They are there and they are all waiting for me to someday join them and pet them and cuddle them all over again.

To my baby Frosty, I loved you so much and I will never ever forget having you as my pet. You comforted me and kept me company when I felt so alone. Goodbye my baby. I love you soooooo much! My heart continues to cry for you. I am just glad your death was quick and you died beside me. I love you.

Bittersweet days...

Going through a tough time lately. I got lots of disappointments that I took in harshly. I was disappointed with a client who suddenly changed his mind. I was preparing for it then all of a sudden, he just said "never mind" as if nothing's at stake there. I couldn't blame him, clients are always right but I guess I just felt bad about it because I am saving up for my baby and doing everything that I can to give my baby a good future and all that. But, my body is so tired plus with the stress, I just went into seclusion. I wanted to get away from the world and from people... I shut down.

Usually when I get an episode, I don't shut down. But this time it felt very different. I just had too much all at one time. I found out that husband's family is telling a different story about our ordeal last year. I got so angry... very angry then when I decided I wanted to heal, I got another blow. This time with one client... All of this happened in one day and it just became too much for me... too much because my body was already tired and my heart was starting to get very tired as well. I wanted to run away, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, I wanted to just disappear... fade away and never come back. And I never felt so alone even with my husband trying to cheer me up and telling me about all the opportunities and blessings that came our way. At that point, everything seemed futile. Nothing made sense... All our hard work, what is it really for? I tend to forget baby D is waiting to take a glimpse of our world and we're the ones who should take good care of her. All these are for her, not for me, so I have to keep on going. But, I was just way too tired... I wasn't able to go on. I dropped and needed to recover and I should recover fast because clock is ticking.

I am still trying to recover from it, trying to regain my strength back. I'm just glad I have a friend here who was willing to keep me company so I could be back to my old self again. For that I am so thankful. I am so blessed when it comes to my friends. But, the happiness is really short-lived. I am lucky in gaining friends but these friends can't stay with me... They all have to be away from me and that's sad. But, I am still blessed I have them in my life and I am even more blessed that they are happy they have me in their lives. Still, I am hoping... Someday I could settle in one place and meet a friend who'll be a friend and a companion for all the days of my life. Someone who I can run to when I need a friend. Someone who'd be physically present when I need someone aside from my husband... Someday... I am claiming that :)

But for now, I must focus on my emotional healing... for my baby who needs mommy.

Why God Gave us Friends

God knew that everyone neededCompanionship and cheer...He knew that people needed someoneWhose thoughts are always near.
He knew they needed someone kindto lend a helping hand...Someone to gladly take the timeTo care and understand...That's why God gave us friends
God knew that we all needed someoneTo share each happy day...To be a source of courageWhen troubles come our way...Someone to be true to usWhether near or far apart...Someone whose love we'll always holdAnd treasure in our hearts...
That's why God gave us friends...


~~Source Unknown~~

I miss my old life...

I know things happen for a reason and with all the wonderful blessings from God, I know I shouldn't even think of missing my old life. But, I do. I guess it's just normal to reminisce and miss the past without regretting the present.

In just a blink of an eye everything changed. Our life used to be very wonderful and must I also add, quite extravagant. I somehow knew it really wouldn't last but for the time that it did, I enjoyed myself a lot. Alain and I had a lot of fun. We were carefree, not thinking about the future much but just enjoying the present and each other. We just go out whenever we want, go to resorts and just relax whenever I feel like it, watch movies every week or so, play at the arcade almost everyday, spending money here and there and just having a lot of fun. I was a busy girl then, busy going out and just enjoying life. I must admit, I loved it. Though, I was frustrated I wasn't able to push Alain to join me for my dreams of traveling abroad. He is not the traveling kind so that was quite frustrating. But, to say the least, we were quite happy doing practically anything we want, almost anytime we want. It is with the convenience and freedom that I knew it really was not going to last. For whatever reason, really. For maturity and new phase in life, we were sure we will never have that same amount of free time again. And, we were definitely right!

After that incident of February last year, everything changed. The freedom was taken away from us and maturity started to sink in. We now think of the future and we now try to save every penny we can. Sacrifices has to be made in order to better our future together. We have nobody to depend on now... No one to stop our fall if we do, so we really can not afford to fall.

Now, being back here in Bacolod, it's the more that I miss my old life. The more that I miss having Alain just nearby and whenever we feel like escaping the world, we just can. Now I am stuck here... at home... No way to release stress and no one who I can cry on. Alain has to stay in Manila to work for our future. I am really missing our old life together though I won't trade the present to the past.

We are still in the process of being molded. God is still molding us into the people that we should be and I know He will carry us through this and would give us better lives. It is hard but we will endure because God is by our side. I thank God for all the great experiences I had in my past, all I treasure so deeply. I thank God for all the pains we also had to suffer, it's what pulled us away from a carefree life and made us stronger and wiser.

Now we have to save up as much as we can so we could give this little baby in my tummy some great memories of a carefree life as well. I want our kid to enjoy life but to appreciate everything and value everything the way they deserved. Above all, I want to raise this baby learning about what me and daddy had to go through before he/she was given to us. I want him/her to know how God worked in our lives and how He manifested Himself to us and even giving us this child a year after our planned double suicide.

I want him/her to know that despite giving up everything and starting from scratch, it is all worth it because of him/her. We surely have a lot of stories to tell our little kid, he/she doesn't need story books! :)

I have a confession to make...

I smile because I want to inspire others that no matter what, there's always a reason to smile. I try not to show the pain I am going through because I don't want to cause them concern.

But, the truth is, I am in pain... physical pain.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared of what would happen to me, what my future holds for me.

The truth is, I pity myself. Why I have to go through these things and why do I have these problems?

The truth is, I sometimes can't help to get angry at God. Why I have to suffer like this and why I feel so deprived. But I take all my angry words back when I come to my senses again and I just ask for His guidance and for more strength.

The truth is, I sometimes just want to give up on myself.

And one great truth is, I feel more strengthened with each passing day, with each throb of pain I feel, with each disappointment because God believes so much in me that I could handle all these things. I am still human. I get hurt, angry, I cry and just wanna give up. But, knowing that God cares for me, I know I can endure all of these things and escape as a better person. I just have to trust in Him that He won't ever let go of my hand. I know I won't be alone in that operating room, I won't go through all the pain on my own. I know, when I cry God cries with me. When I feel pain, God feels that pain too. I know when I'm starting to get confused, God is trying to help me see things in a better perspective. I know whenever I feel scared, God hugs me and tells me everything's going to be okay because He won't let anything bad happen to me. Whenever I get angry at Him, I know He understands and forgives me. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm not going to go through these things on my own.

Traits I don't like

I am so stressed right now so I decided to let out some steam by writing this blog entry. It's not to point fingers at people but these are just some traits I really don't like in people. These are the traits that gets on my nerves!

1. Dumb people- They are not at fault if they are but it just annoys me when people ask the most non-sense questions or when you talk to them and you feel like you're talking to a wall. You don't get any decent conversations with them. I don't hate these people but they annoy me sometimes.

2. People who think they know everything- This is the trait I REALLY hate especially when you know what that person is telling you is actually not true. I am a chemical engineer, a woman of science, so when someone tells me that they believe their beliefs are true when it makes no sense at all irritates me as well. We can have conversations and we can disagree with what we say to each other but when you start rolling your eyes on me because you REALLY think you're right. I don't give a bull! Just go and leave me alone before I lose it! It's okay to think that what you're saying is right, I like debating. But it's different when you make people feel like your words are like words from the Bible or from a science almanac!

3. When you can't take honest words and would rather slam it at the other person's face- Honesty is important. I so believe that. I would rather be honest with you than make you believe that everything is a-okay when it is not! Friendship or any relationship should be based on trust. I don't like friends who are only your friends because you only say good things to them. Why can't you accept the truth as well? Of course it's different if I'd slam the truth to your face without considering how you feel.

4. Copy cats- Yeah, there are lots of copy cats out there. People who think they'd be your friend if they are like you. As in really like you. People who you would talk to and they'd say, "Oh yeah, I'm like that too." "Oh yeah, I do feel that too." At first it would make you feel like, gosh, I have a lot in common with this person. But then you realize that you really have a LOT in common with that person already. Like, when you are in pain, that person would also say he/she is also in pain. When you're having your monthly visit, she'd have her monthly visit too! Or when your dog is sick, his/her dog is sick too! C'mon, who are you kidding now?!! Why can't you get your own identity for crying out loud!

5. People with no sense of responsibility even to themselves- I hate people who always complain about how miserable their lives are yet they are not doing anything about it! They just complain and complain and complain and they stress me out! I am not the person you should run to and complain about your life ALL THE TIME! What am I? A Psychologist? Or a relationship guru? You know what you need to do so do it! People do have problems. Friends are there to be the shoulder to cry on but it gets so annoying when you do all you can to comfort your friend but you see him/her not doing anything to solve his/her problem. He/she just loves complaining and telling the world how miserable their lives are. Just shut it! Everybody has problems too, y'know! But what do you do when you have a problem? Either you solve it or you get over it! If you complain about not having money- get a freakin' job! You can't just complain about having a crappy life because your husband or your parents are not working and you don't have any money to feed yourself. Go and earn some money, you fool!


Okay, I am just really stressed out right now. Guess I am just quite angry! I just had enough really. I HAD ENOUGH!

My daily battle

I have a problem. This problem had been torturing me for many years and I try so hard to escape it. Sometimes I can handle it but there are really times when I really can't run away anymore and I would start feeling suffocated by these evil words in my head, telling me things that I know aren't real.

This voice, in my head, it tells me to do things I don't want to do to myself. It tells me that I'm no good and that I should be ashamed of myself. It tells me that life is miserable and that I should pity myself. I know everything it's telling me is wrong and untrue but the feeling it leaves me is still the same... miserable. I am fighting it and asking for outside help too but am not so sure if people truly believe me with the things that I say. I am not going crazy, you know, it's just that there's this evil voice telling me these things. It's my own little voice, maybe an alter-ego, I dunno... But this voice is making me feel like I am indeed crazy. Why can't I just enjoy and be contented with all the blessings I have today? When it started whispering me all these things again now I don't feel so blessed. I am trying to (notice my previous blog?) stay positive and count my blessings.

February 10 is a special day, it would have been our first death anniversary if we pushed through with the double suicide last year. Now, just a few days before that day, I am starting to think of doing it again... Now, solo. Of course I won't do it. Just that this suicidal tendency keeps on coming back. How foolish am I to even think about it, I am reaping God's blessings now... but why do I have this constant vision of myself jumping off our balcony? Why? I want to stop thinking about it now, I am praying for it.

The people we call friends

I am a blessed person especially when it comes to friends. I have quite a few true friends and I am glad to have known these people in my life. It's really amazing, I know it's really difficult to find true friends but I'm glad I have a handful of them. Some are really close to me while some I rarely see but it doesn't mean our friendship is less real nor is it unpure. My friends live with me and stays with me no matter where I go and I know, when I need someone, I can run to them and they'll accept me. I'm amazingly blessed and can't thank God enough.

I have this particular friend who I recently got acquainted with again. It's been over a decade since we parted ways and we only became friends for a couple of years or so, when we still haven't reached adolescence. What I find amazing with this friendship is that no matter how long we haven't seen each other we are both hoping that someday we'd cross paths again. I prayed for that day to come and finally, we were able to keep in touch once more. The friendship and the closeness we have now is just the same or greater than our bond then. But, back then we were absolutely inseparable... always together. And for over 15 years that we haven't seen and communicated with each other, the longing to find that other person just grew... much like a soulmate looking for the other half of her soul. Well, I don't know about soulmates, I feel like I have more than one soulmate in my life, people who are connected to me in the most intimate ways but nothing romantic. Come on, that would be just eekie! LOL And of course, there is my husband... I can't really say that the two of us are soulmates because we are such opposites but our love is what connects us and will keep us together forever. That's a different kind of love, something so strong that you can't help but feel whole.

Aside from my husband, my friends are very important to me. I can't help but thank God for all the friends He gave me and I know each of my friends are part of my life for different reasons. I appreciate each one. I may be a lot closer to 1 or 2, but in my heart I value each one and will always love them forever. :)

Day 1 of my painful rehab

My patellas are subluxated and I need physical therapy to try and align them properly. There is still a chance that rehab can fix this although it's slim. I may need double knee surgery if my rehabilitation made no improvement.

Well, I had my first session this noon and I liked it. It challenged me to do what I can. As the PT told me, I have to do it coz I really don't have any other choice. It was really painful although the exercise routine was actually quite basic. If not for the rehabilitation, I wouldn't know that I can no longer raise my leg. At first I felt sorry for myself, why did I allow myself to end up like this and all those questions but I fought the thought and just focused on what needs to be done. At one point my knee even locked and it was f^&^# painful! It didn't stop me though, I pushed through with the exercise.

I am really praying that this would help me as I don't want that surgery. At first I thought the surgery I would have is arthroscopic surgery which is an outpatient surgery only. If that's the case, I would have had that surgery right away. Not too bad. But, I'll have an open knee surgery and there's a possibility I'll have both knees done in one setting. Will it be painful? Of course. 2 months on a wheelchair then months of painful rehabilitation again. I hate what I have to go through but I really have to face this. I should have faced this before but, maybe now is just the right time. Unfortunately, it's in this year that I really want to make a big impact in my life. I wanted to make this year a great year with lots of accomplishments but, I'll end up spending about 6 months focusing on my knees. I do hope it is worth it.

I am still thankful God gave me this chance to fix my problem. I will handle the pain and will do my best to really make this work. Doc said this is something I need to do for life as my case is genetic and it will keep on coming back if I would stop exercising my leg muscles.

If there's one thing I would promise myself, it's this: I will not let this problem interfere with my dreams. I will push myself harder so in the end, I'd still succeed.

The battle...

There's a fight in me, the good and the bad. Trying to be positive when the world starts to look dark is hard. But, I keep on fighting and trying to be positive. I don't wanna look at the bad things in my life now but I focus on the good things- the people in my life and all the wonderful blessings from God.

It's tough but I am proud of myself. I am doing quite well now. I am now able to handle my emotions a lot better than before. I can control anger a little bit and I can say NO to pain and depression. It is a struggle. At some point in a day I am being dragged back to my old self but all I really need to do to be positive again is to count my blessings. Being loved by a lot of people is enough reason for me to be happy and to stay positive in life. Without these people in my life, the world seemed such a sad place to be but because they always make me feel so loved, any problem don't seem so bad anymore...

I am going through something right now but remarkably, even with all these challenges that I am facing, I somehow feel enlightened. I don't feel so down and it's such a wonderful realization. God is good, He is carrying me and He gave me these people who keeps me sane just by loving me. What more can I ask? How can I not be strong when they are always making me strong? It's true... If you just know how to appreciate the little things in your life, it's really the key to contentment and happiness. Ask yourself the same question- what is it in your life right now that is worth being happy about? Don't think of the big things- think small. Even the little things like opening your eyes in the morning and able to eat, walk, smell, smile, laugh or cry. Count the number of people who loves you and would walk through fire for you and you'll know, you're one blessed person. God is good.