What is friendship to me?

Ever since I was a kid, I would admire how my sister is able to maintain great friendship with 2 of her friends. From kindergarten, actually since day 1 when she stepped foot in her school, she met her 2 most precious friends and from then on they became inseparable. For over 30 years and though they now live in different countries their friendship lives on and continues to go strong... Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to find friends like that... Friends who'd stay with me until my dying days...

That's really how I am... That's how I see friendship. I don't make friends so easily because I don't just want casual friends... When I make friends and when I become close to some, I want the friendship to really last the test of time... I am not just satisfied with the friendship now, but I am hoping for more years enjoying that friendship... That's the kind of person that I am...

I have different kinds of friends... Friends who I can really be myself with, friends who only see parts of me and loves me for what they see or know, and friends who I feel knows my soul completely... I must say I am very comfortable hanging out with friends who knows me for who I am, both the good and bad side of my personality and still love me for me but, I find those who knows my soul completely as the most special ones...  Actually, I only had 1 such friend... I'll get to that later on.

Friends who knows me in all facets are also quite few. I don't like sharing all my deepest secrets just with anyone as they'd most expectantly be shocked because I don't project that kind of persona. I'm the demure type but I have a bit of a wild side as well and it's nice to really be who I am to some people. These are the friends I really treasure and it would be devastating to me if I'd lose this type of friendship.

I can quite say that I am lucky with my friends. When I need someone, I have someone there... Well, not all the time it's the same person who gets to be there for me but I love all my friends and I am just glad that when they can, they are willing to be there for me.  I am touched with simple gestures of making me feel that I, too, am important to them and that they too would want me to be happy.  In friendship I believe that in order for it to really last, there needs to be a give and take... Well, it's more of you need to give more and not expect to take anything in return but really, there are times when you really need that friend and it's also important that that person won't just leave you hanging and start giving... for you. Give, not in material things, of course but in filling you up where you're slowly losing it...

I have a friend who had been very sweet and nice to me but we live so far apart. I got caught up with my busy life and she's quite busy with hers too that I wasn't able to get in touch... Later on I learned she tried to kill herself the 2nd time around. Thankfully, it was unsuccessful but she'd been through a LOT. When I learned about it, my heart cried.  I wasn't there for her. Wasn't able to make her feel better. I became too focused with my life. Although we both know we love and care about each other and we don't really need to always be there for each other, but still, at that time I should have been there but I wasn't. I prioritized other things and I put our friendship aside... Then I got that news and made me wake up.  I need to be present in the lives of my friends because sometimes, that's the only lifeline they have left... I didn't realize it can really happen and with this particular friend, that lifeline was not even there for her. I thank God she is still alive now and I promise never to let that happen again. I am here now, that's what I'd always say to her...  You see, it isn't true that in friendship you don't have expectations. It's ideal, yes, but that does not work so well. At least in my opinion. I believe in friendship you cannot really make any demands but sometimes, it's best to communicate well... Let's say, you're feeling ouch regarding this aspect of your friendship then you have to say it, do something about it, and let the other person know about it... Do anything in order to save the friendship and that person must also do something about it.  No friendship can survive when it's just a one-way friendship cos eventually it will drain out... you can't just give and give and give and love tremendously while the other goes out living his/her life with all the other people and doesn't even give you time or effort and will only tell you, well you know I love you and that's all that matters. Yeah, thanks for the love but wouldn't I appreciate that love more if you somehow let me experience what it's like to actually be loved by you? That's the cry of my heart...

Anyway, moving forward, with regards to friends who knows your soul, I think they are the most special. As I said I only had one like that. It's hard to explain what that friendship's like really. It's like you've known each other long ago but you only just met. That's how the first introduction was. It's like we were talking and I just felt like I knew this girl my whole life and I am willing to even sacrifice my own life for hers. It was really weird it's like there were fireworks and angels singing when we were together or when we communicate with one another. It's like every time our souls connect, there's a grand celebration of sort. Perhaps, it's what a soulmate is like. I don't know... but that's what it felt like. It wasn't just any ordinary friendship, it was magical.  I don't even think I'll ever find another friend like that. Perhaps you really have just 1 soulmate and you are lucky when you get to meet that person once in your lifetime. I am so glad that I did. I was lucky to have met my soulmate and I will forever remember the grand celebration that's happening within me whenever we were together.  Sadly, they say that when soulmates part from one another, they experience the most pain... I believe that too. It's the kind of pain that's hard to hide. It's pain that doesn't just touch the superficial part of the heart but goes through to the deepest part.  It kills you inside... but I still believe, that even that type of pain can go away in time...

You see, I have lost that great friendship. I must say I've went through different emotions with it and I also became very angry. I felt so misunderstood. I felt I was treated so low. I felt I came out like I'm such a bad friend and that she doesn't really know who I really am and she doubted my love and affection for her.  I later on realize that it's really not that... We just became different persons... Time and distance quite took its toll on us... Eventually, the friendship just died out... Could it be because it became shallow? Perhaps... There were times when I felt I don't even know her anymore...  And even though those little things didn't matter to me at first, but eventually it added up and we started to be like strangers... The spark was gone... I wanted to fix things again because I can't give up on the special bond we had and I still love her so much... with all my heart and soul. But then, I stopped trying to work things out and preferred to not be a part of her life anymore because I realized that the more I push myself to her, the more I am hurting her. Better hurt her one time big time, so to speak... One big blow of being completely gone from her life and I know she will recover from it in time. At least when she recovers by then, that would be it... She'd move on. Maybe she'd hate me all her life but, that's better than trying to work out our friendship that will only hurt her more and more because it's just not anymore like how it used to be.

It's really sad when we lose great friendships but we should also be mature enough to accept it when it does... God has better plans for us... Perhaps, we'd end up finding the same person again but that time things will be better. Who knows what the future holds, right?

Well, that's it for now. :)

An awakening...

Remember when you were a little kid? You used to have big dreams. You wanted to become a doctor, a rich businessman, a loving mother/father, a nurse, etc. We used to dream of what we'll be when we grow up. Now that we're all grown up, what happened to those dreams? Have you been so busy that you barely have time to start living your life? Always go back to how you were as a little kid, how that little boy/girl would react when (s)he sees you now. Will that little kid be proud or disappointed? It's never too late to change things. You're still alive, you can still make that little kid proud of you. When the sun is setting in your life, at least you can look back and say that you lived the life you wanted.

Every now and then we are reminded of this yet we brush it off and go on with our boring life. We let each day pass by and we still focus on things that don't really matter. We get so caught up on what's urgent and we forget on what's important. We work... We work every day and we spend very little time on what makes us feel alive. Say this to a kid and they won't understand why adults do that. Yes, we have obligations but seriously now... Obligations will never go away. Bills would keep on coming. When we're done saving up to get a car, we focus on getting a house then we complain about all the bills and all the obligations that goes with it. We just don't stop, do we? We are so hungry for so many things then we complain that it's stopping us from actually living.

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." Here's a quote I really like because it's really true. Why don't we change our perception of life? Why don't we think about our life today, why we have this kind of life and why are we unhappy? Why say the glass is half empty when you can it's half full? Just think about it...

Obligations... It's not an excuse. Can you list down the number of things you wanted to do but never did? What's stopping you? Take time to just let go of all the hurdles that's in the way for you to actually enjoy the life you have. We are not in this world forever. This is just a place to prepare us for what comes next. It is also the time when we can enjoy being human... being a part of this planet. Why don't you take that chance and just jump... be free... Feel how the world can be so wonderful.

I am going to live my life. Thank You Lord for the big reminder.

Open letter for my daughter

My sweet little angel,

I hope one day you'd come across this post and read what your mom has to say for you. Right now you're a sweet young little darling at the age of 1 year and 9 months. Since the day I learned about you growing in my womb, you made your mommy's life so happy. I always wanted to meet you and now that you're here with us, words could not express just how much I love and care for you. Just like any mother would, I think about what's best for you first before I even think of myself. Your dad sometimes throw tantrums because he would jokingly say that since you came he no longer became a priority. Of course I love your dad but you have changed my life in such a way that I focus more on you because you need me the most. It really warms my heart every time you say "mommy, I love you" and every time you get angry when someone tries to hold me. You are so possessive of your mom because you only want to be my special one. I truly enjoy being with you and enjoying the sweet hugs and kisses from you and all the "I love yous" you'd say to me. You are my heaven, sweetheart and I want to be the best mom I can for you. I love you so much.

 My dearest sweetie, I hope you know that no matter what happens in the future remember that your mom loved you so much. Please don't even doubt that because I am willing to give my life for you when I am given the chance to once again. You see, mommy got sick because of my pregnancy that went wrong along the way. I knew something was not right but the doctors didn't quite get it but I held on because losing you is never an option. I held on and I knew you'd hold on too and I'm glad we made it 'til the end. We almost didn't, sweetheart. But we finished the race though I was bruised through our battle. Being a mother is tough, my dearest. I hope when you grow up and planning to be a mom yourself you must first prepare for what lies ahead. It is not easy and things can go out of hand. You can lose more than you are planning to but in the end it is all worth it. Seeing you grow up so beautifully reminds me that I made the right choice. You are the right choice my darling. I love you so much and I hope you will always love me too. And of course, your dad. :)

 Sincerely,

 Your Mom