My hand hurts but I love it...

Kept banging the wall today, was so angry that I had to let out some steam. I can't shout, that'd be too scandalous so instead I ended up hurting myself again. I banged the wall with my hand until it was really red. It hurts so much but I like it 'coz it made me cry. I needed to cry... I am in so much pain and I feel so angry. Nice way to start the new year, huh? I really lost all hope now... hitting rock bottom isn't a good feeling.

I am horribly depressed right now, feel like life is really so unfair. Don't know what awful thing I've ever done in my life that I am punished like this. I know I did something bad too but is this my punishment? This is just too much! I am so angry at the world, I am so bitter and frustrated. I was already barely hanging on but I never thought it'll end to this. This is even worse than before. This is not how I wanted to happen, I imagined this to be a happy moment in my life but no, it's the most horrifying experience in my life and I just want the world to stop... to just end. I want to vommit in great disgust over what my life ended up to be, I can't believe all these and it's all really happening to me. It's not just a sad story from a movie, it's really happening to me and it left me bitter, angry, resentful, deranged and I don't know what else... unspiritual?

I think I need to hurt my hand even more, I still need to vent even more. I need to cry more and I need to get away from my reality even just for awhile. Life is full of crap, it's amazing how my life turns to the worse and worse and worse, the evil train just doesn't wanna stop. I hope one night my life will just be snatched away from me and I can't wake up. I've never been this angry my entire life. Nice welcome to 2009... so nice!

What a nice 1st post for the year.