The battle...

There's a fight in me, the good and the bad. Trying to be positive when the world starts to look dark is hard. But, I keep on fighting and trying to be positive. I don't wanna look at the bad things in my life now but I focus on the good things- the people in my life and all the wonderful blessings from God.

It's tough but I am proud of myself. I am doing quite well now. I am now able to handle my emotions a lot better than before. I can control anger a little bit and I can say NO to pain and depression. It is a struggle. At some point in a day I am being dragged back to my old self but all I really need to do to be positive again is to count my blessings. Being loved by a lot of people is enough reason for me to be happy and to stay positive in life. Without these people in my life, the world seemed such a sad place to be but because they always make me feel so loved, any problem don't seem so bad anymore...

I am going through something right now but remarkably, even with all these challenges that I am facing, I somehow feel enlightened. I don't feel so down and it's such a wonderful realization. God is good, He is carrying me and He gave me these people who keeps me sane just by loving me. What more can I ask? How can I not be strong when they are always making me strong? It's true... If you just know how to appreciate the little things in your life, it's really the key to contentment and happiness. Ask yourself the same question- what is it in your life right now that is worth being happy about? Don't think of the big things- think small. Even the little things like opening your eyes in the morning and able to eat, walk, smell, smile, laugh or cry. Count the number of people who loves you and would walk through fire for you and you'll know, you're one blessed person. God is good.

My heart is bleeding...

I don't know, I'm just scared. Never thought my sisters could have medical problems... I am not sure if there's anything serious to worry about but... I just don't like this feeling. Lord, please give us assurance that all my sisters would be just fine... Give them long lives... Amen.

Enjoy every moment while you can

I'm here for a vacation but my mind is still restless. I feel like I am not doing anything good by not earning as much as I really need to so I could help with the expenses. Oh well, I guess I'm just being self-critical. I'm here to be with my nephew and my family and I should be spending my days and enjoying each moment but why is it that I'm in such a hurry for the days to be done? Then now that I have a few more days left, it's just now that I realize I should be spending more time with them especially my niece and nephews. They are growing up so fast and the next time I'd see them they'd be much bigger.

During my first 2 days I was in dire need of going back to my husband. I couldn't believe I'm here but now I really feel like I'm back home and I feel right at home again... Guess I just have that weird feeling every once in awhile like I just couldn't breathe and I need to go back to my comfy place. But I really have to learn to embrace what I have "now" and not anticipate the future. I don't want to waste my moments because I can't wait for what will happen next.

What if there's nothing to anticipate anymore?

I'm home.... but I don't feel at home anymore

I just arrived this morning. I knew it, I would feel very strange the minute I stepped foot in our house. This just don't feel like home anymore. Sure, it's still my place... This is where I spent most of my life and all that, but I'm starting to get that same feeling again similar to what I experienced when I was still new in Laguna. I was hyperventilating and I just feel like i want to explode! Why do I get to feel this way? I really don't think this is a normal reaction.

I wanna cry and I don't really understand why. Will I feel like this again when I go back to Manila? I was not like this before. What the heck is going on?!!

Negative

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby... Dunno why it's so hard for us to have one when others get pregnant all the time. Why?!!

I've never been this disappointed about it before. The other day, I checked, hoping beyond hope that this time we finally conceived... but it was still negative. I just sat there, staring at the PT with disbelief... another disappointment. I wanted to cry, wanted to get angry, felt like I was imploding. But, I have to accept it. Maybe it's really not the right time. God has reasons that I still can not understand but I know, there is a reason for this.

I'm only human though. As much as I understand that everything happens as God planned it, but I still feel negative emotions when things don't go as I wished it would. Well, I guess we just have to keep trying and get ourselves checked to see what's wrong. Hope nothing's wrong... I can't accept it if we can't have a baby someday :( Pray for us.