My daily battle

I have a problem. This problem had been torturing me for many years and I try so hard to escape it. Sometimes I can handle it but there are really times when I really can't run away anymore and I would start feeling suffocated by these evil words in my head, telling me things that I know aren't real.

This voice, in my head, it tells me to do things I don't want to do to myself. It tells me that I'm no good and that I should be ashamed of myself. It tells me that life is miserable and that I should pity myself. I know everything it's telling me is wrong and untrue but the feeling it leaves me is still the same... miserable. I am fighting it and asking for outside help too but am not so sure if people truly believe me with the things that I say. I am not going crazy, you know, it's just that there's this evil voice telling me these things. It's my own little voice, maybe an alter-ego, I dunno... But this voice is making me feel like I am indeed crazy. Why can't I just enjoy and be contented with all the blessings I have today? When it started whispering me all these things again now I don't feel so blessed. I am trying to (notice my previous blog?) stay positive and count my blessings.

February 10 is a special day, it would have been our first death anniversary if we pushed through with the double suicide last year. Now, just a few days before that day, I am starting to think of doing it again... Now, solo. Of course I won't do it. Just that this suicidal tendency keeps on coming back. How foolish am I to even think about it, I am reaping God's blessings now... but why do I have this constant vision of myself jumping off our balcony? Why? I want to stop thinking about it now, I am praying for it.

The people we call friends

I am a blessed person especially when it comes to friends. I have quite a few true friends and I am glad to have known these people in my life. It's really amazing, I know it's really difficult to find true friends but I'm glad I have a handful of them. Some are really close to me while some I rarely see but it doesn't mean our friendship is less real nor is it unpure. My friends live with me and stays with me no matter where I go and I know, when I need someone, I can run to them and they'll accept me. I'm amazingly blessed and can't thank God enough.

I have this particular friend who I recently got acquainted with again. It's been over a decade since we parted ways and we only became friends for a couple of years or so, when we still haven't reached adolescence. What I find amazing with this friendship is that no matter how long we haven't seen each other we are both hoping that someday we'd cross paths again. I prayed for that day to come and finally, we were able to keep in touch once more. The friendship and the closeness we have now is just the same or greater than our bond then. But, back then we were absolutely inseparable... always together. And for over 15 years that we haven't seen and communicated with each other, the longing to find that other person just grew... much like a soulmate looking for the other half of her soul. Well, I don't know about soulmates, I feel like I have more than one soulmate in my life, people who are connected to me in the most intimate ways but nothing romantic. Come on, that would be just eekie! LOL And of course, there is my husband... I can't really say that the two of us are soulmates because we are such opposites but our love is what connects us and will keep us together forever. That's a different kind of love, something so strong that you can't help but feel whole.

Aside from my husband, my friends are very important to me. I can't help but thank God for all the friends He gave me and I know each of my friends are part of my life for different reasons. I appreciate each one. I may be a lot closer to 1 or 2, but in my heart I value each one and will always love them forever. :)

Day 1 of my painful rehab

My patellas are subluxated and I need physical therapy to try and align them properly. There is still a chance that rehab can fix this although it's slim. I may need double knee surgery if my rehabilitation made no improvement.

Well, I had my first session this noon and I liked it. It challenged me to do what I can. As the PT told me, I have to do it coz I really don't have any other choice. It was really painful although the exercise routine was actually quite basic. If not for the rehabilitation, I wouldn't know that I can no longer raise my leg. At first I felt sorry for myself, why did I allow myself to end up like this and all those questions but I fought the thought and just focused on what needs to be done. At one point my knee even locked and it was f^&^# painful! It didn't stop me though, I pushed through with the exercise.

I am really praying that this would help me as I don't want that surgery. At first I thought the surgery I would have is arthroscopic surgery which is an outpatient surgery only. If that's the case, I would have had that surgery right away. Not too bad. But, I'll have an open knee surgery and there's a possibility I'll have both knees done in one setting. Will it be painful? Of course. 2 months on a wheelchair then months of painful rehabilitation again. I hate what I have to go through but I really have to face this. I should have faced this before but, maybe now is just the right time. Unfortunately, it's in this year that I really want to make a big impact in my life. I wanted to make this year a great year with lots of accomplishments but, I'll end up spending about 6 months focusing on my knees. I do hope it is worth it.

I am still thankful God gave me this chance to fix my problem. I will handle the pain and will do my best to really make this work. Doc said this is something I need to do for life as my case is genetic and it will keep on coming back if I would stop exercising my leg muscles.

If there's one thing I would promise myself, it's this: I will not let this problem interfere with my dreams. I will push myself harder so in the end, I'd still succeed.

The battle...

There's a fight in me, the good and the bad. Trying to be positive when the world starts to look dark is hard. But, I keep on fighting and trying to be positive. I don't wanna look at the bad things in my life now but I focus on the good things- the people in my life and all the wonderful blessings from God.

It's tough but I am proud of myself. I am doing quite well now. I am now able to handle my emotions a lot better than before. I can control anger a little bit and I can say NO to pain and depression. It is a struggle. At some point in a day I am being dragged back to my old self but all I really need to do to be positive again is to count my blessings. Being loved by a lot of people is enough reason for me to be happy and to stay positive in life. Without these people in my life, the world seemed such a sad place to be but because they always make me feel so loved, any problem don't seem so bad anymore...

I am going through something right now but remarkably, even with all these challenges that I am facing, I somehow feel enlightened. I don't feel so down and it's such a wonderful realization. God is good, He is carrying me and He gave me these people who keeps me sane just by loving me. What more can I ask? How can I not be strong when they are always making me strong? It's true... If you just know how to appreciate the little things in your life, it's really the key to contentment and happiness. Ask yourself the same question- what is it in your life right now that is worth being happy about? Don't think of the big things- think small. Even the little things like opening your eyes in the morning and able to eat, walk, smell, smile, laugh or cry. Count the number of people who loves you and would walk through fire for you and you'll know, you're one blessed person. God is good.

My heart is bleeding...

I don't know, I'm just scared. Never thought my sisters could have medical problems... I am not sure if there's anything serious to worry about but... I just don't like this feeling. Lord, please give us assurance that all my sisters would be just fine... Give them long lives... Amen.