I have a confession to make...

I smile because I want to inspire others that no matter what, there's always a reason to smile. I try not to show the pain I am going through because I don't want to cause them concern.

But, the truth is, I am in pain... physical pain.

The truth is, I am scared. Scared of what would happen to me, what my future holds for me.

The truth is, I pity myself. Why I have to go through these things and why do I have these problems?

The truth is, I sometimes can't help to get angry at God. Why I have to suffer like this and why I feel so deprived. But I take all my angry words back when I come to my senses again and I just ask for His guidance and for more strength.

The truth is, I sometimes just want to give up on myself.

And one great truth is, I feel more strengthened with each passing day, with each throb of pain I feel, with each disappointment because God believes so much in me that I could handle all these things. I am still human. I get hurt, angry, I cry and just wanna give up. But, knowing that God cares for me, I know I can endure all of these things and escape as a better person. I just have to trust in Him that He won't ever let go of my hand. I know I won't be alone in that operating room, I won't go through all the pain on my own. I know, when I cry God cries with me. When I feel pain, God feels that pain too. I know when I'm starting to get confused, God is trying to help me see things in a better perspective. I know whenever I feel scared, God hugs me and tells me everything's going to be okay because He won't let anything bad happen to me. Whenever I get angry at Him, I know He understands and forgives me. It's a nice feeling to know that I'm not going to go through these things on my own.

Traits I don't like

I am so stressed right now so I decided to let out some steam by writing this blog entry. It's not to point fingers at people but these are just some traits I really don't like in people. These are the traits that gets on my nerves!

1. Dumb people- They are not at fault if they are but it just annoys me when people ask the most non-sense questions or when you talk to them and you feel like you're talking to a wall. You don't get any decent conversations with them. I don't hate these people but they annoy me sometimes.

2. People who think they know everything- This is the trait I REALLY hate especially when you know what that person is telling you is actually not true. I am a chemical engineer, a woman of science, so when someone tells me that they believe their beliefs are true when it makes no sense at all irritates me as well. We can have conversations and we can disagree with what we say to each other but when you start rolling your eyes on me because you REALLY think you're right. I don't give a bull! Just go and leave me alone before I lose it! It's okay to think that what you're saying is right, I like debating. But it's different when you make people feel like your words are like words from the Bible or from a science almanac!

3. When you can't take honest words and would rather slam it at the other person's face- Honesty is important. I so believe that. I would rather be honest with you than make you believe that everything is a-okay when it is not! Friendship or any relationship should be based on trust. I don't like friends who are only your friends because you only say good things to them. Why can't you accept the truth as well? Of course it's different if I'd slam the truth to your face without considering how you feel.

4. Copy cats- Yeah, there are lots of copy cats out there. People who think they'd be your friend if they are like you. As in really like you. People who you would talk to and they'd say, "Oh yeah, I'm like that too." "Oh yeah, I do feel that too." At first it would make you feel like, gosh, I have a lot in common with this person. But then you realize that you really have a LOT in common with that person already. Like, when you are in pain, that person would also say he/she is also in pain. When you're having your monthly visit, she'd have her monthly visit too! Or when your dog is sick, his/her dog is sick too! C'mon, who are you kidding now?!! Why can't you get your own identity for crying out loud!

5. People with no sense of responsibility even to themselves- I hate people who always complain about how miserable their lives are yet they are not doing anything about it! They just complain and complain and complain and they stress me out! I am not the person you should run to and complain about your life ALL THE TIME! What am I? A Psychologist? Or a relationship guru? You know what you need to do so do it! People do have problems. Friends are there to be the shoulder to cry on but it gets so annoying when you do all you can to comfort your friend but you see him/her not doing anything to solve his/her problem. He/she just loves complaining and telling the world how miserable their lives are. Just shut it! Everybody has problems too, y'know! But what do you do when you have a problem? Either you solve it or you get over it! If you complain about not having money- get a freakin' job! You can't just complain about having a crappy life because your husband or your parents are not working and you don't have any money to feed yourself. Go and earn some money, you fool!


Okay, I am just really stressed out right now. Guess I am just quite angry! I just had enough really. I HAD ENOUGH!

My daily battle

I have a problem. This problem had been torturing me for many years and I try so hard to escape it. Sometimes I can handle it but there are really times when I really can't run away anymore and I would start feeling suffocated by these evil words in my head, telling me things that I know aren't real.

This voice, in my head, it tells me to do things I don't want to do to myself. It tells me that I'm no good and that I should be ashamed of myself. It tells me that life is miserable and that I should pity myself. I know everything it's telling me is wrong and untrue but the feeling it leaves me is still the same... miserable. I am fighting it and asking for outside help too but am not so sure if people truly believe me with the things that I say. I am not going crazy, you know, it's just that there's this evil voice telling me these things. It's my own little voice, maybe an alter-ego, I dunno... But this voice is making me feel like I am indeed crazy. Why can't I just enjoy and be contented with all the blessings I have today? When it started whispering me all these things again now I don't feel so blessed. I am trying to (notice my previous blog?) stay positive and count my blessings.

February 10 is a special day, it would have been our first death anniversary if we pushed through with the double suicide last year. Now, just a few days before that day, I am starting to think of doing it again... Now, solo. Of course I won't do it. Just that this suicidal tendency keeps on coming back. How foolish am I to even think about it, I am reaping God's blessings now... but why do I have this constant vision of myself jumping off our balcony? Why? I want to stop thinking about it now, I am praying for it.

The people we call friends

I am a blessed person especially when it comes to friends. I have quite a few true friends and I am glad to have known these people in my life. It's really amazing, I know it's really difficult to find true friends but I'm glad I have a handful of them. Some are really close to me while some I rarely see but it doesn't mean our friendship is less real nor is it unpure. My friends live with me and stays with me no matter where I go and I know, when I need someone, I can run to them and they'll accept me. I'm amazingly blessed and can't thank God enough.

I have this particular friend who I recently got acquainted with again. It's been over a decade since we parted ways and we only became friends for a couple of years or so, when we still haven't reached adolescence. What I find amazing with this friendship is that no matter how long we haven't seen each other we are both hoping that someday we'd cross paths again. I prayed for that day to come and finally, we were able to keep in touch once more. The friendship and the closeness we have now is just the same or greater than our bond then. But, back then we were absolutely inseparable... always together. And for over 15 years that we haven't seen and communicated with each other, the longing to find that other person just grew... much like a soulmate looking for the other half of her soul. Well, I don't know about soulmates, I feel like I have more than one soulmate in my life, people who are connected to me in the most intimate ways but nothing romantic. Come on, that would be just eekie! LOL And of course, there is my husband... I can't really say that the two of us are soulmates because we are such opposites but our love is what connects us and will keep us together forever. That's a different kind of love, something so strong that you can't help but feel whole.

Aside from my husband, my friends are very important to me. I can't help but thank God for all the friends He gave me and I know each of my friends are part of my life for different reasons. I appreciate each one. I may be a lot closer to 1 or 2, but in my heart I value each one and will always love them forever. :)

Day 1 of my painful rehab

My patellas are subluxated and I need physical therapy to try and align them properly. There is still a chance that rehab can fix this although it's slim. I may need double knee surgery if my rehabilitation made no improvement.

Well, I had my first session this noon and I liked it. It challenged me to do what I can. As the PT told me, I have to do it coz I really don't have any other choice. It was really painful although the exercise routine was actually quite basic. If not for the rehabilitation, I wouldn't know that I can no longer raise my leg. At first I felt sorry for myself, why did I allow myself to end up like this and all those questions but I fought the thought and just focused on what needs to be done. At one point my knee even locked and it was f^&^# painful! It didn't stop me though, I pushed through with the exercise.

I am really praying that this would help me as I don't want that surgery. At first I thought the surgery I would have is arthroscopic surgery which is an outpatient surgery only. If that's the case, I would have had that surgery right away. Not too bad. But, I'll have an open knee surgery and there's a possibility I'll have both knees done in one setting. Will it be painful? Of course. 2 months on a wheelchair then months of painful rehabilitation again. I hate what I have to go through but I really have to face this. I should have faced this before but, maybe now is just the right time. Unfortunately, it's in this year that I really want to make a big impact in my life. I wanted to make this year a great year with lots of accomplishments but, I'll end up spending about 6 months focusing on my knees. I do hope it is worth it.

I am still thankful God gave me this chance to fix my problem. I will handle the pain and will do my best to really make this work. Doc said this is something I need to do for life as my case is genetic and it will keep on coming back if I would stop exercising my leg muscles.

If there's one thing I would promise myself, it's this: I will not let this problem interfere with my dreams. I will push myself harder so in the end, I'd still succeed.