Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas Massacre

I was shocked when I read the news about a massacre during a great Christmas party. If you haven't read it yet, then here's the link

http://ph.news.yahoo.com/ap/20081226/twl-santa-shooting-1be00ca.html

If there's anything about this story that got me affected, it's with the little girl who opened the door to greet Santa. I just imagine how that little girl felt when she was about to open the door. Perhaps she was very excited that she'll open the door for Santa and when she saw Santa she must've had that big smile on her face just like any other kid would've smiled whenever they see Santa. Santa had a big Santa bag with him and when he pulled something from that bag, her eyes might have sparkled in pure excitement, waiting for what a great Santa goody awaits her... only to see a handgun pointed straight at her. And that's... that's the last thing she ever saw in her life that was cut way too short. by a deranged man in a Santa costume :(

She's just one of 8 people who were murdered that night, while a few were able to flee. It was supposed to be a great Christmas party, one that this family always have during Christmas. Only because this guy got a divorce, even if let's say it was a horrible divorce and he has a very sad story to tell, it doesn't give him the right to kill those innocent people. Nothing is worth killing another.

Let's all pray for the lives of these people and also for the man who committed this horrible horrible thing who also committed suicide right after.
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Our Christmas was fun. We gave a total of 3 gifts to each of our helpers here, all 17 of them were here and celebrated Christmas with us. Our christmas party was focused on giving them gifts and making them happy. It was a fun Christmas.

Tyra, our black labrador, gave birth to a cute little puppy during our Christmas party. She gave birth to just 1 pup. Unfortunately, he died the next day... Tyra kept crying for hours 'coz her baby is dead :( It was kinda sad.

I'm not busy lately, don't have any jobs to do and my PC crashed. Actually, it overheated and the power supply thingie exploded. Thank God the motherboard was just fine. I'm searching for jobs as I'm planning to get a "real" job by March of 2009. Wish me luck! Hope God will help me make the right decision as this isn't just any other decision. I will move away from my family and I need to get this right. My friend Jodie's telling me to rely on Him and not be too focused on what I want, but what He wants for me. Oh well... I guess I'm just a bit edgy lately and I just want to have the right decision instantly that's why I get easily irritated. lol!

Well, got nothing more to add... Have a Happy New Year Everyone!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Merry Christmas to all!

As I became older, I no longer feel the magic of Christmas. The excitement fades more and more each year but still, every Christmas day I still feel its magic. Families come together to celebrate this wonderful day and what I like most about Christmas is the gift giving. No, I am not after the gifts I receive but more of, I like to see the smiles in everyone who receives a gift. There's too much love in a room during this day and that's really what Christmas is all about. Sure, we are all busy with our day to day lives that we often forget about the little things that really mean so much to us. Christmas is a time for our families and we should all keep the spirit of Christmas alive in each one of us. Oh how I wish I'm still that little girl who's always so excited about Christmas. I may not be that little kid anymore but I do value Christmas and feel the special meaning of that day. It's the day that our Christ was born. It's the day that we should all pray and thank our Lord for all the blessings we received and thank Him for all the pains that we experienced because that's what makes us stronger.

Lately, I've been in so much emotional pain that I even stopped praying. Not that I abandoned God but I was just too hurt to even talk to Him. A friend was telling me to go back to Him even when I am in pain but I really just let her words go from one ear and out the other (if you can say that! We were just chatting. LOL) But, God is so good that He made me feel His love for me and showed me how greatly blessed I am compared to others. My anger faded away and I started living my life normally again. I was back to being happy and I guess that's really how God wanted me to be... happy! :) And... it's almost Christmas! And God gave me a wonderful gift... lotsa projects! haha! I needed money badly and I'm glad He gave me these projects so I could save for next year's plans. Woohoo!

God is so good! Merry Christmas to all!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What It's Like...

I feel like I'm drowning but there's no water. I feel suffocated and I try to breathe but there's no air of relief for me. They say I should just snap out of it and not even allow it to come and visit me but, I tried all that and it's still here and it's making my life miserable. I want this out of my life as much as people get irritated when I am like this. Normally, I am a happy and very positive person but when I get drowned with my miseries then I'm starting to slip out of what people would consider "normal". I hide... hide what I feel inside 'coz I don't want to burden those around me. But, it makes it even worse.

Is there anyone who understands me even without trying? I feel so alone with my battle that I often isolate myself just so I could be free to feel what I feel and find answers to my own questions. Why do I even have to suffer like this? It's just not fair... so unfair. But, I need to be strong and to keep holding on... but for how long? How long can I do this?

"Snap out of it, Lila. You're much better than that. Get up, stand up and fight!"
"What to do? Why am I in pain? I can't hold on... Can't hang on. Give up now."
"You're such a mess. You're horrible. The world won't even notice when you're gone so why still stay here? Go!"
"Can't go away... It'll hurt the people around me. My love won't be able to take it and he can't cope with the pain I have caused. I can't go."
"Time will eventually heal all wounds and the pain you caused will eventually be forgotten. Go, free yourself."
"You're cursed. Probably because you deserve it. You're a bad person."
"I did nothing wrong to deserve this. Why do I live this kind of life?"

--so many voices inside my head... gives me headaches and it consumes me... I hate these voices but they don't ever stop!---

I'm home. :)

Finally, I'm back home. It's weird coz I was gone for just 2 weeks but everything around here looks very different. Our house got a new paint job, my room's cabinet is now looking good, and my dogs look very different. Kingkong loss some weight and I was shocked when I saw him, probably why they say pugs don't recover very well when their masters leave them. Frosty looks very beautiful though :)

I missed the not-so-busy streets of my city, I missed the familiar venues and faces, and of course, I missed Alain a lot.

***It's the first time I experienced traveling on a bad weather and I must say, it's a great experience. The entire visayas area was covered with thick clouds and I just can't help myself but enjoy the unworldly beauty of the world up above. With an endless sea of thick clouds underneath us and gigantic and scary-looking clouds ahead, nature is so beautiful that even though it can be really scary you just can't help but appreciate its beauty.***

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

With all the Chaos- I learned a lesson

*I thank God for giving my dad a second chance in life. Yep, dad had a successful surgery and in just a couple of days he'd be out of the hospital already but he still can't take a plane home so they'd be staying here for awhile while I decided to go home before them.*

It's been pretty tough lately and it's not just because of what happened to my dad. Lately, I just received news about a problem I need to face back home. Also, there is another problem... but won't share about that here or to anyone. I'm just so sick and tired of my life that I just wish I'd be transformed into a very different person. I try to force myself to think positive but, it's just so hard when you can barely breathe and another problem pops its ugly face again.

I'm drained but, somehow, I realized something. I realized that I forgot to love myself and now I am convinced that it's what I have been searching for in my life. I always knew there was something I need to do but I just can't figure out what it is. Now, I think I found what I've been searching for... I need to love myself and live my life not just for everyone else but for me. I need to do what I want to do and not just do things that I know won't hurt the people I care about. I need to take the plunge and live my life.

I am quite a risk taker and I want to achieve whatever I set my mind to and that's what I plan to do. Hopefully this time, no one would oppose. I need to do this for me and not for anyone else. I will spread my wings again and start to fly.